Heavy mind

It has been awhile since I have written on here. A lot has happened. I am officially divorced. The actual day was unique I suppose when compared to most divorces. We rode there together and we chatted and laughed and did our thing and went to lunch after. We got married (a way I didn't want to - the justice of the piece because he was in the military and about to be shipped out) but we went to Chinese after so it's only fair to go to a Chinese after our divorce right? Lol Then that night we went to a Tx Country music show with our little girl. Then the next day we did another show and trick or treat. I guess we are weird. But sadly...not much has changed with us being divorced which shows me how sad our marriage really was. We are super close and see each other pretty much every day. We do dinner and still take the kid out and we grocery shop together. I began seeing someone on June 30th. I'm still with him but we aren't where normal almost 4th couples should be. He was in an accident and I visited him at the hospital.  We don't see each other as much as I feel we should.  Weekends are almost impossible to go on a date for some reason. He uses his kid a lot as an excuse. She's 14 so she should be out with friends or go stay with her mom. I get frustrated we can do our date. I'm not asking for something wild and crazy. Just a dress up dinner and movie or something simple. He is finally opening up to me. Which is progress.  He also said he loves me in passing...like a slip or I don't know. He confuses me. I feel like he's hiding something...I sure hope not. I also hope he's not using me. The using me will be the next post because this one is getting long!

Worried

It has been awhile since I have written. So much has happened. We now have filed for divorce and he's dating and I'm seeing a guy. A guy that I'm falling for too fast probably. He's beautiful and so I keep having worries about why he's with me. He tells me sweet stuff all the time and he's affectionate and I love that. I have this fear he's going to leave me or hurt me and I shouldn't let my guard down. I've been with him at the hospital a lot because he got hurt really bad. He's home now and I've been trying to be there for him. I think this is making our relationship stronger-him knowing I've been there. I just found out something the other day that has me really worried. I find out Tuesday the answer and I'm so worried about what the answer will be. I put myself in this crazy position-my life that I'm in now. I guess I will figure it out and it'll be ok-hard but ok. I probably won't get any sleep Monday and much tonight. But then again...sleep and I haven't been the best of friends for quite some time. 

Is that a Ray?

So lots has been going on. I don't even know where to start in this jumble. So...Friday my cousin got married. It was the most beautiful wedding. The reception was beautiful and they were beautiful and everyone in his party was so nice and Christian. My sister of course looked beautiful and we would hug our family and on at least 2 occasions they were like go you look beautiful as always. Then my turn...I got the hug and hi. I felt so ugly around them all. I saw myself in photos-1 in particular...and I was like wow...diet stat! I thought about my sister because she will be marrying soon. I listened to the vows and the sweet stuff and I thought about how happy they are. What a great godly couple. I sat out there in that audience beside my sister and her fiancé next to my dad and step mom (who are also taking divorce) and I thought no one knows that I am divorcing and struggling. My divorce is already pending...just waiting to get the papers back to file with judge. I sit next to my x...as I listen to how wonderful marriage is and I was sad. I was bitter and I was angry. I fought back tears. I remember sitting at the reception looking around at a room full of wealthy people and I looked at that photo (the one I look disgusting in) on my phone...I almost deleted it but I thought I'll use it for motivation...maybe. Before long in front of me sat 4 beers and I don't even drink beer and 2 cups of wine-that I don't even like. I started to drift off to that sad place but I can't here. You know my family soon will get the news...oh we are divorced it was final months ago! (By then) and btw I live in a tiny apt and wonder how I'm going to make it and pay my bills every day! What a great life I'm about to have! My sister begs me to get on the dance floor with her-I feel stupid and I can't let myself go and be goofy. There is a person inside of me that wants to get out and live and dance and cut up but I'm so self conscious and worried about looking dumb...I hold myself back. I look like a dud instead of the fun girl my family thinks I am. So the x is talking to a fugly girl which frankly I don't get. I really think it's just the attention he is getting because surely he doesn't think she's cute. She's big and has a big long nose. Plus she doesn't smile in photos and show her teeth. She's probably hiding some ugly teeth. I'm mean but I feel like she's using him. She has 2 kids and no baby daddies really...lives at home with her parents and she only 27. She's looking for a man to take her out and help her. I'm on to her. But whatever...I'm going to have a hard time letting anyone near my baby girl. I don't know if I can handle her having a step mom. I know this is a battle I will struggle with. I know it's early but my biggest fear is that my little girl will leave me and go live with her daddy and his new wife and she'll get all those bonding moments with my baby and the talks and bonding. That will absolutely kill me. It brings tears to my eyes even writing this. So on another note I finally decided to put myself out there. I have a few guys I'm talking to. One I'm am pretty head over heels for although I'm playing it cool and trying to not get my hopes up. I keep having thoughts run through my head...I just can't believe he likes me...I have another who is really sweet but I just don't feel the same 'click' as I do with the 1st one. Super sweet tho! Then...I have drama man! Everyone needs one right? This guy is a big sports writer for the paper and gets to meet all the famous people and attend all the cool parties and he wants to fly me here and there and buy me coach this and Michael kors that! Which I would love!! But I'm not attracted to him physically and his personality kills me! He's so cocky and we fight more then we talk and I'm just not feeling it. I thought I should just go to these cool events and let him spoil me. He wants to do things for me and to me that are really nice! But I'm not built like that. I kind of wish I was as wrong as that is. I can't bena trophy girl if I'm not feeling him. I told him to calm down and quit being so up front and in my face! I told him about going out with that other guy and he still chases me. I was hoping he would stop. I'll probably keep him in the wings in case I need him! 

Complex

It's 3am I should be sleeping but sadly like every night I am up with a million thoughts. I never sleep...I'm exhausted all the time. I'm stressed and worn out physically and mentally. Recently I have gone to 3 doctors for pain in my body and jaw. All 3 told me it was stress. They all asked me if I was stressed and of course I shrugged it off and said yeah a little. (If only I could shout out all my problems and just make them go away!) So I went to the chiropractor and she has this machine that is really awesome. Basically in the photo your back is supposed to have short green lines to show a healthy back and little stress. Mine pops up...long red lines 500% over the limit and 298% over. Her face was (actually kind of funny). I said what's wrong? She said are you stressed? I played it off like I do...yeah a little I think I handle it well. Then she proceeds to show me and explain. She says this is one of the worst ones she has seen! It was pretty impressive with all the red!

I'm worried about my future and now with my dad getting a divorce and my finances and how this is going to flip mine and babies life. The X and I hardly even talk. He's too busy texting and emailing all these random woman. Like a crazy amount like close to 100 and while most aren't responding its still hard to see him and read it. I see him texting woman till all hours of the night and while I shouldn't care...I'm nosy. Everyone keeps saying I'm stupid and why do I care when I don't want him. Which I see is a valid but the thing is I'm jealous and nosy. I don't want him...I know that for a fact esp now that he's been out kissing and telling random girls things. It's the things he tells them and the effort he puts into them that bothers me. 14years and I can count on one hand the times he's complimented me. He tells them things like you're pretty, beautiful, sexy etc. I have asked him for 14 years for a vacation-even something small-no he doesn't like to travel. Then the other day he tells this new girl he lovesto travel and a lists a few places he wants to go. Really? He told one girl he tries to see the baby every day and put her to bed when he can. I was like WTF you live with her and sleep in the same bed! What's this try? Of course they think he lives alone. I get that he's trying to run game and stuff but it still bothers me. Tonight my nail lady and friend (she's been doing my nails for 3yrs) said something that made me think a little. She's Vietnamese so she thinks a little different and their culture is a lot different.  She says tho...and she she doesn't know about my situation but she knows the Asian culture isn't loving an affectionate...she says you know just because they don't say it doesn't mean they don't love u they show it with other actions. Which is soooo true in my case. She says and sometimes that's ok and that's enough...I thought about it and I get it but sadly it's not enough for me. I want more. I've fallen out of love. I hate that and I hate myself. He's a good guy but I want/need more. We literally go out to eat and we don't talk-we drive out of town and we hardly speak...I need that interaction. I need to be made to feel like I'm there. I ask him questions-he ignores me or doesn't answer and I am so sick-beyond sick of looking at his profile and standing there waiting for an answer to get nothing. I have been a bitch lately and I'm like hello when I ask a question that means you respond. Or...I start talking to myself. I say how was your day? He doesn't answer so I say things like well it was good etc. I hate that! I have gone over my check and what my rent can be...omg I'm not sure I can make it. I'm seriously going to be poor-like dirt poor and struggling. I keep driving by where I would be ok and feel safe living but then I tear up because I can't afford it. Then I drive by some shady trashier places and I know that's where I'll be in a few months. I'm moving down and this is hard for me. I'm scared...ESP being alone at night with a baby in a place I don't feel safe. I pray to God...I feel like I am doing the right thing by leaving him...when I think about just dealing God gives me a sign as the x is extra mean-like the push to keep moving. I'm so upset with my life and I get upset with God for putting me here. But I pray constantly. You know God takes care of me...he amazes me because he always pulls me through. The other night I was in a bad place...I was having a breakdown and like that...God was there...I felt it And I calmed and I stood still and I got the answer I needed. I smiled and I laughed a little. I'm ok...I'm alive...I do stupid things and I try to do things to occupy my mind and make me feel better. I had a convo with him...I wish sometimes that I could just talk to him and have him just point blank tell me I'm going to be ok and to do such and such. But then I stop and I realize that he does and I have to listen to my heart-to him. I am not in love with the x but I'll always love him and I'm trying to stay friends with him but its so hard. I told him...if he would have said and done things for me that he doing for these random hoes then we wouldn't be In this place. He knows what I need and it's very simple. I just want to hear I love you and a compliment and be spoken to -

simple things. Now it can't be fixed because I have fallen out of love. I'm like a radio...once I have been turned off I can not be turned back on. I tried to make us work. I suggested counseling-I prayed and I told him 500million times what I need. He just can't say I love you and he can't show me affection so his pride is causing our marriage to end. That's fine...god is hopefully leading me to a man that is a better fit. However the issue I have now...I don't trust men. I don't trust many people. I will most likely never give all of myself to a man or person again. 

Awake

As usual I am awake in the middle of the night! I've been up since 1 and it is 5:05 and I have to get up at 6 so...going to be a long day! So naturally I am thinking...our electricity is out and has been since. 3:30. :( You know this weekend was a busy one. I got a taste of what I will be looking at soon as a single parent. I had J by myself the majority I the time. I took her to the movies...just her and I...that might not seem like a big deal to some but to me it really bothered me that it was her first time at the movies and he didn't want to go. I mean I try to never miss any of her 1st's and big moments. She had a blast and it was so cute watching her face and hearing her talk about it...but she also said I wish daddy could have came. So that was sad...she's growing up so fast and she's so sassy and she gives me a lot of frustration at times but then she smiles and she's so polite and loving it melts my heart. I can't believe I'm about to change her life and possibly future and outlook. I hope I don't destroy her and I pray and worry so much that someday she'll leave me to go live with her daddy and new wife. I think about way too much. It would kill me...especially since that's the age we could bond and talk about more grown up topics. I hope I don't fail her. I feel like I mess up everything I touch. I still don't understand why God would give me such a beautiful little girl when I'm so prone to failure and I don't want to be a bad mom and I don't want to lose her when she's 12 to another woman. I'm losing my house-my life-my husband and money. I feel like I'm losing everything. On top of that I have to move in two months and I don't know where I am going to go. This is going to sneak up on me fast since I only have weekends to pack and find a place and sell my house hopefully soon! I dread the moving, packing and stress. I wish my life was different (better). I am thankful God provides and I keep praying that I'll end up in a good place in time. I'm so sad about the apartments that it is looking like I might have to live in. Financially I can't afford the better ones as my credit sucks so who knows! I see myself falling into the downward spiral. I'm seeing myself-food stamps-assistance-struggling and being depressed. I really hope I don't get to that point. I just don't know how I can do this...

More bad news

So my body is taking a toll. I've hardly been eating but I'm gaining weight-probably the stress and thyroid. I haven't slept much and I've been sick and my body is so sore. I've upped my water and I've been working out. I went to the chiropractor today. They did a stress test in the spine and back. It is sup to be all green and the lines are sup to be even but her i go thinking I'm a bad A and I can handle stress blah blah and then the results come...her face was like OMG! She said wow that's a lot of red...more then I figured you would have. I said why and she said because your so up beat...little did she know I sat in her parking lot and cried for 10 minutes and refreshed my makeup so I would look decent. I cried all the way there from work. Seems to be a daily thing for me...this crying. Today tho was for another reason. My dad called me crying. He told me my step mom told him she wanted a divorce and my dad was crazy upset even tho tho has been coming go awhile....the shock of it all gets to a person. You know you have to go through the stages of emotions. He told me he wants to kill himself. He doesn't know about my struggles and that we are separated and about to be in different houses and I sure can't tell him now. At this point I'll be in my new place months before he knows. My dad tho... I feel so bad. I know how she feels and I totally understand both their views. He tells me I can't talk to her. She's raised me since I was 13mths. He says she's just a step and that's just not how I feel. I'm stuck in the middle. I spoke to my uncle about it. We have a strange relationship but I like it. We go awhile without talking but he's a good guy, a great Christian and he and I Vent and he's very special to me. I should see him more and talk to him more. So the stress test...probably not the best day to do that. She's worried and said it could cause digestive issues-weight and other problems-hummm I said do you see me? I have all of those! So then I come home crying again and I sit in the garage for about 15 minutes talking to God and myself. I go in and get another bomb dropped on me. The X web on a day so this girl is clingy to him because she has a 14 nth old baby as she wants a daddy for him and now he's talking to another girl. I get to watch him all night checking his phone and texting. Yea...it's all just killing me now. The stress of it all z I'm worried about my dad , my baby, our future and finances and selling this house and where will we go? I don't want to move out of town because I don't want to take her from her daddy. Then my job....I can retire in 9 yrs but I won't because I'll have a 13 yr old but I'll have that option. I just don't know anymore but I know I can't afford anything nice and I'll be living in some crappy apartment struggling week to week. That's just what I prayed and wasted all my time praying for all these yrs! Since I was young I prayed for a great Christian man and good life and here I am at 33 starting over, living poor and raising my child as a statistic. I hope I don't fail her. I feel like a horrible mother. I hope one day she doesn't leave me to move with her daddy. That will kill me. 

Broken

My heart is absolutely broken tonight. I come from the doctor to find out that my X is on match and has been...when last night he said he wasn't. I'm so sick of his lies. Then next part: he's meeting a girl-that has a half Asian kid (14months) at our place. My fav restaurant. A place I've had many birthdays at-a place we take our daughter to dance-a place we celebrated our anniversary at- a place we meet me best friend at. Now I will never be able to go there again-which really upsets me esp now that we have little girl and they have the perfect set up for her to dance. I love listening to our music people sing and all that is lost cuz he is taking this new chick there. She's already talking about him playing with her little boy. I'm absolutely sick that of all places he is taking her there. 

Here we go again

So it's been awhile since I have written. Today I chose to write because I'm down and sad. The X is talking to a girl-he's meeting her tonight. He drove 45 min to meet her. I have a hard time getting him to drive 10 minutes to try a new place. Where they are eating: a place we meet my family at pretty regularly and he always says he hates it. I'm gonna have a  hard time going back and I won't be able to tell my family why. I hate that our money is paying for him to take another girl out and I hate that our money is used to put gas in our truck so he can go see another girl. I need to move out ASAP. I'm hating him so much and getting so bitter towards him. I hate that it bothers me...I hate that he told her she was beautiful. He never says that to me unless I bring it up. I know he's just trying to get some tang but damn its like a knife in my heart. Plus this girl is Hispanic and has a couple of kids and dif baby daddies! What the hell?! Someday when he's serious with a girl I am going to have a REALLY hard time letting her around J. Which I shouldn't be. I'm a bitch. I've lost myself in this marriage I've been unhappy for 9-10 years and I just settled to be together. The whole time suffering and never feeling that 'click' like I'm where I belong. Now I have a baby and she's my world and I hate that I'm bringing her up in a divided house. This is not how I wanted my life to be. I'm so unhappy. I feel like so ugly and I feel like I'll never be happy. I don't trust men and I feel like no one will love me and be attracted to me. I wanted to do something to keep my mind busy but friends-Well they ignored their texts or they were busy. I hate that I don't have true close friends that I can tell everything to. I do have one god friend I can tel most to. She works with me and I love her! I live this whole life and I've done all these crazy things that I probably honestly wouldn't tell anyone but it would be nice to be able to tell some. She said she wouldn't be able to stay long so who knows when he will get home. It's an hour drive. I hope she doesn't like him but hell she's single and has two kids and hasn't been on a date in a year. He has a job and money and she needs a baby daddy so who knows. 

To be thin...or thinner

The words dying to be thin come to mind. I saw my reflection this weekend when I went to my dads house. They recently got new wood floors so they took off the mirror closet doors and placed them in the bathroom. I went to use the bathroom and right in front of the toilet sat the mirrors so you have to look at yourself. Lovely I thought. I sat and stared awhile and zoned out for a few thinking how ugly and fat I looked. I thought about the lawyer again. I was with him the day before and now I see myself like this and I'm disgusted. I stand up and I see these huge thighs. Omg I can't believe I let myself get like this. I used to have nice toned legs. Now they are big white and ugly. I can't tan...I'm doing laser hair removal-another struggle I'm facing. I've got to lose weight I think. I can't stop looking and tears form in my eyes...I'm sup to be doing a quick pee and leaving to head to my g pa's! I can't walk out of here with tears in my eyes. My eyes are stuck on the legs-then the Belly and now I'm up dressed and washing my hands. I lean in to the mirror and look at my face. Ugh the scars and discoloration. I've got to do the laser to get the scars taken care of. Once my hair removal is done (which I only have till Aug-however I don't see a difference and that's going to break my heart and esteem even more if it doesn't work). I can't do scar and hair removal at the same time...I think...I'll double check! I found some of my old diet pills last night...I started them this morning. I hope they work and I can make myself workout and lose! I'm still upset about the lawyer...I want to text him today but I'm making myself not. I've got to get my robe back so I will text him Thurs asking him to mail it if I don't hear from him. I'm pissed I left it at his house. I want it back so I hope he does mail it or better yet gives it to me in person and shows me that I'm over analyzing. Whatever...I don't need a man now anyways because summer is here and I don't want to show skin. I hope I can lose and find happiness soon. I don't know why this is so hard for me. 

Crazy

Tonight...well today has been a pretty crappy day. I woke up to to deaths of two people I know. One I went to school with and one I worked with. One died of cancer and one died by his own hand. He had 4 kids and a wife and I feel so bad for them. I do think suicide is selfish. I know it's hard but you know everything passes and when you have family and children you need to think of them. I got into a stupid fight with my friend over this.  She doesn't understand any of my thoughts and views lately. It's like I can't say anything right around her and it upsets me. For someone who is so liberal she's very black or white and I'm 

Very gray.  I'm also upset at myself...for a lot of reasons...I feel like I'm a loser and so inadequate. I looked at myself this morning in the car at a light on the way to work. This face...I thought...the scars and just ugly double chin. Yuck...that lawyer has pretty much been consuming most of my daily thoughts. Today we didn't talk much...which really pisses me off and upsets me. I'm so stupid to think that he would like me and want to continue to see me. He said he does but his actions are not saying that. We went from texting all day to just under 6 probably today. :( I hate that I hung with him Fri and I hate that I let him get to me and woo me. I wish I could take it back. Tomorrow I don't plan to text him at all...which is going to be soooo hard...I hope he texts me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday ill send him a text asking him to mail my robe back. I left it at his place and its my fav so I want it back. I hope I get it and I hope I get to see him. He's to good for me...he could do better and get better. He's beautiful and a lawyer and makes really good money. He has a great future and I want all that. I'll never have that probably. I wish I could date him and see where it went but we're in two dif places and I'm ugly and fat and he can do so much better. I'm so stupid thinking he just might actually like me and think I'm pretty. I hate that. Just another thing for me to hate about me and my life. 

Frustration

I am so frustrated. So many things going on and so much stress. A lot on my mind and it's really wearing me thin. I went to two family reunions Sat. I just feel so dumb and ugly and inadequate at those. I'm the big girl. When I'm standing by someone...I feel like I'm so much bigger and I just focus and think about my flaws my scars on my face..my body everything. I met a guy...he's a lawyer and I've gone out with him a few times now. I went to his place and we watched a movie and stuff...I like him...he's really good looking. I'm sure it will fizzle now that I've open myself up to date. I hate men now. They just want to use you to get a piece. I wanted to look good...I went and got eyelash extensions. I told them to just do a few to see if I was allergic to the extra sensitive glue...turns out I am...my eyes itch and swelled up. I've been taking Benadryl and putting itching cream on it. No one notices but me. I hope the swelling goes down. I also sadly hope that I get another date with the lawyer but you know how you have that gut feeling??? I have it...our date went good...we moved fast. I don't know I'm so stupid. I don't know why it's so hard to just be happy. I mean I want the simple life...a man I'm crazy about and one who's crazy about me and J...makes good money and makes me happy and gets along with my family. I'm sure I'll be updating this week about how we didn't work out. :( I should just give up and face the fact that I'm never gonna be happy and my life is always going to be a struggle. I have another huge huge huge worry that I'm losing sleep over and tomorrow is the result day kind of...I mean I get half tomorrow but then the next process starts and I still have to wait. This is it for me...I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I'm so low and close to losing what little I do have. And friends and family...I have no one I can fully talk to or trust. I try to tell my family about my stress and they don't listen or they act like its not a big deal or make it about them. I had a best friend a few of them for years like close to 20 and where are they? I went back home this weekend for the reunions and she couldn't e en come see me. Said I should come see here hen she knew I had one day-two reunions and still a almost two he drive home. She grew upcoming to both of these a d tried to use the excuse she didn't feel right. What the F ever I guess I'll just be done. I'm tired of always being the one to contact everyone. :( I'm falling apart and I really need a change and something good to happen. 

Tough thoughts

Today is Friday. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up the baby from daycare and I saw a man and his wife pushing a stroller and walking on the street. I thought to myself how sweet…as he positioned himself on the outside and put her on the curb side so that if a car hit them it would hit him first. He probably didn’t think about it and he for sure didn’t think that I would notice that and even think about it. I also saw an elderly man and woman in my office that have been married for 72 years. How crazy is that? These things have made me sad…here I am ending a 14 year marriage…my sister is newly engaged, 2 of my cousins just got married last month and I have another who is getting married in August. They are all starting their new life and I’m ending mine. I may never meet anyone and I’ll be single forever. I really don’t want to be with anyone and I hate to say it but when people tell me they are getting married I am like good luck with that and I feel sorry for you! I know what lies down the road. (I hate that I think like that now) I have a couple of friends who are pregnant and I’m thinking…wow they have no clue what they are in for…how much their marriage is about to be tested and how stressed they are about to be. Yes babies are fun but omg they can tear apart a marriage and break you down. Many men cheat while their wife is pregnant or after the child because their wife isn’t giving them the attention that they need. The wife is exhausted and they fight because they are tired of doing everything and then they become momma bears…they don’t want anyone hurting their little baby. There is a fine line in having a happy marriage and a baby. I had a date the other night…I felt extremely guilty about even going…to the point I was trying to talk myself out of it. My belly hurt and I just didn’t want to do it but at the same time I need to get back out there I guess. I’m not getting any younger and I’m graying so fast and I’m so ugly that I need to take what I can get. I kept thinking…he didn’t care about me when he went on his dates and when he texted non stop to his last few girls…why should I care? I asked him if he cared and his pride was getting in the way. I said are you sure you want to do this (for like the 10^th time) and he said yes I’ll just be your friend. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to put on a fake smile-worry about what to wear and worry if he will think I’m pretty enough to actually get to know me. Plus the weight and ugly face…will he really like me? I mean at night I take off my makeup and I stare in the mirror and I tear up. Sometimes I’ll walk by the mirror in my room and I’ll step back and stand there and just look at myself and tell myself what the heck? Who the heck will want to be with this? I digress…the date…so I was stressing and we have been talking and texting a few weeks…so the big day comes…I go home from work and I shower and wash my hair and put on all my good smelling lotion and hair products. I do my makeup and my eyes looked so good and my hair was nice….then I get a text…saying I can’t do this sorry for the short notice…but I don’t think we should go any further with you still living with your ex. GURR…I knew this was going to happen…I was relieved but at the same time upset. I just wasted my time getting ready and wasted my makeup and time. I told him ok I understood and he pleaded and said he really liked me and to please call him once we are living apart. I thought he would be ok with it since he told me he lived with his ex a few months after they separated. That’s ok I get it. However the last 2 days have been odd not hearing from him. I’ll probably not even mess with the whole dating thing until the fall. Summer is not good for me because then I have to show more skin and sweat and it’s just not cool. Hopefully sometime in between now and October or so I can lose weight and get some stuff figured out.

Random

So tonight the little one had dance. We then went to Chick Fil A...she likes the playground better then the food I think but whatever...it beats McDonald's! She sang and danced and had the whole restaurants attention! It was pretty impressive. She was telling stories and singing songs about God. Then she talked about how she loves the Mav's-Rangers and Bombers! She even did the cheers! People were eating it up. She's a natural in public and people flock to her. She's got a bright future and it involves her public speaking! I believe that God put her with us to help get her to that point. My sweet strong-willed stubborn girl. So I have realized that the ex is officially over me...really I think his pride is getting in the way of crawling back...so I have to just let go as hard as this is...A guy asked me out. Wow I've never really been on a date. I'm nervous. I hope we mesh well. I just feel so fat and ugly and not mentally where I would like to be. Maybe this getting out and getting attention will help bring me out of the slump. I feel guilty...but he didn't when he left me and made out with the girl ..and he didn't when they texted 24-7....so I need to just get over it...we have our good days and bad. I don't want to lose him and I want us to be those people where others say...I don't know how they do it but they are good friends and Baby can grow up with us close and civil...Now I have had a few thoughts where I have thought maybe I should just beg and plead and make it work...but that wouldn't be fair...neither of us are happy. Plus I asked him to work on it and do counseling. He said no...but I swear...every time I think to myself, I should try...maybe it's me...I'm just a crappy person incapable of love and being happy..bam like a sign from God...like lightening...the mood will change and he'll get all pissy with the baby and it snaps me back. I struggle because I know divorce is wrong and dating is wrong now...I've never felt 'comfortable and content'. I truly would like to still believe that God will answer my prayers and help me find peace and contentment. I prayed so so hard...I still pray for that...I am holding on to the faith that he will allow me to be where I feel like I belong.

Control freak

So I think I have a problem. I am accepting the fact that I am a control freak! It's odd...I'm controlling and possessive. I wish I wasn't but I don't know how to stop caring so much. I am nosy-a natural FBI agent. If you hide it...I will find it. I'm obsessive. I wish I ha more positive traits and talent. I can name a million things I hate about myself and one-pushing it that I like about myself. Sad...I am going to have to work on that...I have been but I haven't been successful.

Killing me

I feel like I'm slowly dying... He's killing me. He put a lock on his cell phone-told me he changed his email password (when I didn't even know the other p word or care to check). All this distrust and hiding things...makes me feel like a piece of shit. I can't trust him at all. Apparently he thinks I'm a horrible person when he is the one that has been emailing girls and signing up to all these sites behind my back. I hate that I can't trust him at all. I never really trust anyone but out of everyone he was the one I trusted almost completely. Now he is doing all this crazy stuff and ignoring me and I talk more to his back or profile. Last night he said his password was too easy to figure out and this morning he says he forgot it so he changed it. I said whatever last night you basically lead me to believe you didn't trust me and today your singing a different tune. He then said he doesn't have a password on his phone and then I said yes and then he said he does sometimes and doesn't. What the hell kind of sense does that make? He's a f'ing idiot and I am ready to move. He comes in here this morning all dancing and being stupid and totally ignoring my questions or answering me. I seriously hate him now and that hurts because he is the one person I wanted to be able to be friends with. Once you lose someone's trust-esp mine...I can't go back to believing and trusting again. He's kind of dead to me and he'll be a surface friend and that hurts. I wish so much I could move...but I just don't how I will financially be able to do this...I'm about to find out and find out how strong I really am. I am also going to have to do a serious downgrade and live in a place I don't want to or feel really safe...so I guess sleeping will be even harder for me. This shit sucks...my life sucks...I prayed so hard as a little girl...I remember in high school praying so hard everyday...this is not the life I prayed for. I feel I wasted so much time doing that and thinking that I would have a chance at the good 'normal' life.

Betrayed

Today was a day I dreaded for awhile. A very hard day...after being gone all weekend I come home to an X that met that match girl 2 times over the weekend. Stayed out with her all day and night and texting when they are apart. He told me that he kissed her on the cheek...then he said they french kissed 2 times. Like I a knife. I literally blacked out a little. I'm crying while writing this. We were at a restaurant and I started crying. Of course as time would have it my baby had to go potty. So here we were in the bathroom...I was crying so hard...I couldn't catch my breath. I almost threw up. I'm literally only standing because I'm leaning on the toilet paper holder. I laid my head on it and cried...My beautiful baby girl...watching me and asking what's wrong. I don't want her to see me like this but I can't stop crying. I'm so pissed...I try to gather myself. After all I do have to walk out of this stall. I look in the mirror to try to wash my smeared makeup. The face that looks back at me disgusts me. I'm so ugly. There are so many things I hate about my self and my life. The cons out way the pro's. I can't think of anything that I like about myself. I used to have light-a glow-I used to care about people and always make them laugh and compliment them. Now...I sit here looking at myself with disgust. Baby says mommy are you sad at me? I tear up again...no baby I love you more then anything in the world and she hugs me. Damn tears again...I thought I could handle this..I'm tough right? I haven't slept in weeks. I should be sleeping now but here I am in bed...crying thinking about the stupid kiss. He told me we are separated and we are trying to live together until we sell the house...I told him I need to move- this is going to really F up my credit and future if I have to lose this house. Finances...it's going to be so hard to make it alone. But I don't know how much longer I can stay here with him and watch him text. I told him to not come close to me...I said I can't promise you that I won't knock you the F out. I said I feel like punching your F'Ing face. I have been saying the F word to him more in the last 2 weeks then I ever have in 14 yrs! I told him I hope that kiss was worth it and that she's worth it because he just lost a friend and my trust. I don't trust anyone...and he was the one exception. Now of course I'm back to being bitter. I'm so so sad...I don't know how I am going to be able to put on this 'happy' face at work. I just want to go far far away.

Father worries

As far as the earlier post-they just hugged...kind of a relief but there still is the wine date tomorrow. ;( Another worry of mine has been my dad...he is having a really hard time...like me, he is in an unhappy marriage. They stay together because neither of them want to bite the bullet and leave. It's such a hassle to leave-to pack-to figure out who gets what and where to go. You know...so they stay and they are both miserable. What a sad way to live...30+ years of marriage with the last few...unhappy. They should cut their ties...I am so worried he is going to have a heart attack. It's not fair to either of them. I love them both and now that I am older and I see the world in not so black and white I feel their pain and understand it. My dad has always been a funny outgoing charismatic man. A workaholic...never having less then 3 jobs always. He recently purchased a big business-took out 80,000+ to buy this. It was very successful. Then after having this for close to 2 months he receives word this big company that basically supported his business has decided to sell out. Now he has all these vending machines to move out. We are talking about a place that made him $14,000 in a month. He took money out of his retirement and now he has this stock that he is stuck with. I told him I would try to help him sell them and get some of his money back-but he won't be able to get that much money. I feel so bad for him. Something he was excited about...ripped away and financially has strapped him. I saw him Sunday...he looks worn...he's grumpy (due to his marriage-she can't do anything right it seems) he's moody and he's tired. Tired of so many things-his marriage issues are killing him-he's overworked-he's not happy doing what he's doing and he's craving attention. At the same time he's getting pissy and grumpy and pushing people away. Not that he would admit or realize that. I love my dad and I hate to see that he's losing his light-his glow and sparkle in his eyes.

Hard day

Today is a hard day...yesterday the X went to lunch with the new match girl. Tonight they are meeting and tomorrow they have a date at a wine field. He never drank wine. Tonight worries me because they might kiss. I keep telling myself why do I care? I mean I don't want him...I know for sure I don't want him. I guess I just don't want him to move on so fast. I mean it is so hard living with him and seeing him talk and meet her. I hate that I am so nosy. I really wish I could turn off my emotions. I need to move out of the house. He is making me hate him. I don't trust any man...no matter how good they seem. Sadly every guy would cheat no matter. My friend told me sometimes you have to eat shit to get what you want. Right now I am putting money aside and paying off old debt so that way when I do move out money won't be so tight. I dread thinking about living check to check...I digress...so tonight is his meet up...I am so annoyed and nosy. I dread the thought of them kissing and walking hand in hand. But oh well...I guess it is what it is...I need to deal...I need to go play and have fun also...but I will never trust another man and right now I am not in the mindset to even work on wanting to build a relationship!

Put on the fake smile

Today has already started out hard...I wake up everyday thinking I'm going to be fine...I am not going to be snippy with the soon to be x. But then I find out stuff. I found out he has met her for drinks-which still I find funny considering we never went out for drinks! Also the place they went is funny to me considering when he and I went he thought it was overrated. Anyway I gave him a chance to be open with me and tell me they met there...but he swore on me and our child they haven't met. I must of given him 5-6 dif times to come clean. Finally I just told him...I know..he clams up. I ask why he lied and naturally I get the silent treatment. I said you know I'm trying and we said we would be open but I can't believe anything you say now. I just can't believe that he lies sooo much and now I seriously don't know when to believe him. It's pissing me off. We are trying to be civil and stay friends and stay in this house until we sell it but lately I just want to say F U and leave him high and dry for all his stupid lies and behavior. I'm trying to be a good person and stay friendly but this stuff is killing me. I hate that I let this eat at me...ESP since we are separated technically. I'll never be happy with anyone he's talking to I feel. A friend said maybe I need someone to talk to a guy and date around but I don't feel right dating...I mean I don't really have time and I'm a mom first and I really don't feel like any guy would want me anyways. I don't feel like dealing with stupid men and drama and having to fix myself up and all that stuff. Today is Easter...we are getting ready to go to 2 family events. One event: 2 cousins are getting married in 2 weeks and my sister is newly engaged...so lots of happy talk about marriage and love-inside I'll be bitter-dying and sad. My family doesn't know about this and I don't plan to tell them until I have a new place to go. I'm a planner-heck at this point I might not even tell them until I'm in my new place. I dread today-the almost 2 hour drive to and from with a man I am growing to hate even more every day. I just don't know how I going to be able to do this...I want to lie in bed and hide away but I couldn't even if I wanted. I have to keep going for baby girl. But inside...I'm seriously drowning and upset and I'm slipping away. I don't even like who I am. I pray constantly for contentment and peace and yes...love in the future.

Flustered

You find out your husband is seeing another woman...a million things run through your head...you're
hurt-angry-worried and confused. You want to lash out and punch him and the woman he's talking to. A man that you have been with for 14 years...you don't want him anymore but you don't want him with someone else...especially going out on fun dates and doing things y'all never did. You become a spy...better then any FBI agent out there. Why do you care? With everything you hear and read...you feel your body tightening. So much that it shakes and your heart is racing. At this point you hate him...like really hate him. Who is this man on this page? Dancing-drinking wine and talking all big about trying new places? Ohhh the man I knew didn't dance in public...never bought a bottle of wine in fourteen damn years...until last week. You sit and watch him...wine in hand...phone on his body. The phone is up his ass...and now on silent...he must think you're dumb...but women are observant and they notice when their spouse is doing something out of the norm. Why do we need to feel jealous when we don't want them? Good riddance! I think it's a possession thing...a why didn't they do that for me type of thing. You wanted out and you kept staying for fear of hurting him. But here he is...on dating sites and saying and doing things that you never would have dreamt. All those nights you sat in the church parking lot...praying...all those nights you lied in bed crying...stood in the shower crying...and whining to your friends...well here is your damn sign...take it... A wise friend said sometimes you gotta hurt to heal...and I say this phrase daily now.

Stripped Down

She woke up the morning earlier then normal. Got up...up and actually fixed her hair and did her make-up. Decided to do a new look with her eye shadows. She curled her hair and put on a cute outfit and put on her favorite perfume...Body by Victoria. It makes her happy...she goes to the ole work. Work...that she dreads going to now that she's in a new office. She dreads the drive...after work she goes to do a laser treatment for hair removal. It's free today so why not? While there she starts to think about all her flaws-her ugly body-hairy self-acne scarred face-she talks to the assistants and they tell her all these 'miracle' fixes. Brochures in hand she leaves...meets up with her...can she still call him husband? They get to talking about his future 'date' coming up. Anger fills her. She doesn't understand why she gets so upset when this is something she wants. A way out and being friends. Sounds perfect right? The flaw? She's jealous and possessive and nosy. A big fight breaks lose and things are said that shouldn't be...who is this girl and what happened to the fun, happy girl? Looking in the mirror now...this girl is me...I start to remove one earring at a time while looking at the sad face staring back at me. Gosh I'm ugly. I remove my necklace...this beautiful necklace that he gave me...next the rings...Another thought as I look in the mirror...I hate myself...I remove my false eyelashes and take off my makeup and stand there in my pj's. I just stand and stare. I hate the face that looks back at me. I hate the life and the moment I'm in. No one is going to want me. While he moves on and finds someone new no one will want to date me. I can't start over...I don't even want to mess with the whole 'scene' and trying to put on a happy face. I will never be content-I will never be able to trust a man and fully give myself to him. How can I have another man around my baby? I can't because now it's just me and her. I won't let another man hurt me or allow myself to get comfortable and let my guard down. I stand there and glance at the image again...I'm stripped down-no make-up no fancy clothes. Nothing...

Welcome

Hi and welcome to my new blog! First off my name is Tiffany. I have wanted to start a blog for awhile but I just kept making excuses and life would get in the way. One of the reason's is I was worried about no one reading it! I started thinking if they don't now...maybe someday they will run across it and take a look. Even if I never get subscribers I will use this as a way to vent and someday maybe my beautiful little daughter will read this. This blog will be a VERY open. I will talk about my family, fears, funny moments, worries, fashion, makeup and even organizing and home repair projects! So here goes a new chapter in my life with blogging and my future...which I will get into that more later! Thanks and have a blessed day!