Betrayed

Today was a day I dreaded for awhile. A very hard day...after being gone all weekend I come home to an X that met that match girl 2 times over the weekend. Stayed out with her all day and night and texting when they are apart. He told me that he kissed her on the cheek...then he said they french kissed 2 times. Like I a knife. I literally blacked out a little. I'm crying while writing this. We were at a restaurant and I started crying. Of course as time would have it my baby had to go potty. So here we were in the bathroom...I was crying so hard...I couldn't catch my breath. I almost threw up. I'm literally only standing because I'm leaning on the toilet paper holder. I laid my head on it and cried...My beautiful baby girl...watching me and asking what's wrong. I don't want her to see me like this but I can't stop crying. I'm so pissed...I try to gather myself. After all I do have to walk out of this stall. I look in the mirror to try to wash my smeared makeup. The face that looks back at me disgusts me. I'm so ugly. There are so many things I hate about my self and my life. The cons out way the pro's. I can't think of anything that I like about myself. I used to have light-a glow-I used to care about people and always make them laugh and compliment them. Now...I sit here looking at myself with disgust. Baby says mommy are you sad at me? I tear up again...no baby I love you more then anything in the world and she hugs me. Damn tears again...I thought I could handle this..I'm tough right? I haven't slept in weeks. I should be sleeping now but here I am in bed...crying thinking about the stupid kiss. He told me we are separated and we are trying to live together until we sell the house...I told him I need to move- this is going to really F up my credit and future if I have to lose this house. Finances...it's going to be so hard to make it alone. But I don't know how much longer I can stay here with him and watch him text. I told him to not come close to me...I said I can't promise you that I won't knock you the F out. I said I feel like punching your F'Ing face. I have been saying the F word to him more in the last 2 weeks then I ever have in 14 yrs! I told him I hope that kiss was worth it and that she's worth it because he just lost a friend and my trust. I don't trust anyone...and he was the one exception. Now of course I'm back to being bitter. I'm so so sad...I don't know how I am going to be able to put on this 'happy' face at work. I just want to go far far away.

Hard day

Today is a hard day...yesterday the X went to lunch with the new match girl. Tonight they are meeting and tomorrow they have a date at a wine field. He never drank wine. Tonight worries me because they might kiss. I keep telling myself why do I care? I mean I don't want him...I know for sure I don't want him. I guess I just don't want him to move on so fast. I mean it is so hard living with him and seeing him talk and meet her. I hate that I am so nosy. I really wish I could turn off my emotions. I need to move out of the house. He is making me hate him. I don't trust any man...no matter how good they seem. Sadly every guy would cheat no matter. My friend told me sometimes you have to eat shit to get what you want. Right now I am putting money aside and paying off old debt so that way when I do move out money won't be so tight. I dread thinking about living check to check...I digress...so tonight is his meet up...I am so annoyed and nosy. I dread the thought of them kissing and walking hand in hand. But oh well...I guess it is what it is...I need to deal...I need to go play and have fun also...but I will never trust another man and right now I am not in the mindset to even work on wanting to build a relationship!

Put on the fake smile

Today has already started out hard...I wake up everyday thinking I'm going to be fine...I am not going to be snippy with the soon to be x. But then I find out stuff. I found out he has met her for drinks-which still I find funny considering we never went out for drinks! Also the place they went is funny to me considering when he and I went he thought it was overrated. Anyway I gave him a chance to be open with me and tell me they met there...but he swore on me and our child they haven't met. I must of given him 5-6 dif times to come clean. Finally I just told him...I know..he clams up. I ask why he lied and naturally I get the silent treatment. I said you know I'm trying and we said we would be open but I can't believe anything you say now. I just can't believe that he lies sooo much and now I seriously don't know when to believe him. It's pissing me off. We are trying to be civil and stay friends and stay in this house until we sell it but lately I just want to say F U and leave him high and dry for all his stupid lies and behavior. I'm trying to be a good person and stay friendly but this stuff is killing me. I hate that I let this eat at me...ESP since we are separated technically. I'll never be happy with anyone he's talking to I feel. A friend said maybe I need someone to talk to a guy and date around but I don't feel right dating...I mean I don't really have time and I'm a mom first and I really don't feel like any guy would want me anyways. I don't feel like dealing with stupid men and drama and having to fix myself up and all that stuff. Today is Easter...we are getting ready to go to 2 family events. One event: 2 cousins are getting married in 2 weeks and my sister is newly engaged...so lots of happy talk about marriage and love-inside I'll be bitter-dying and sad. My family doesn't know about this and I don't plan to tell them until I have a new place to go. I'm a planner-heck at this point I might not even tell them until I'm in my new place. I dread today-the almost 2 hour drive to and from with a man I am growing to hate even more every day. I just don't know how I going to be able to do this...I want to lie in bed and hide away but I couldn't even if I wanted. I have to keep going for baby girl. But inside...I'm seriously drowning and upset and I'm slipping away. I don't even like who I am. I pray constantly for contentment and peace and yes...love in the future.

Flustered

You find out your husband is seeing another woman...a million things run through your head...you're
hurt-angry-worried and confused. You want to lash out and punch him and the woman he's talking to. A man that you have been with for 14 years...you don't want him anymore but you don't want him with someone else...especially going out on fun dates and doing things y'all never did. You become a spy...better then any FBI agent out there. Why do you care? With everything you hear and read...you feel your body tightening. So much that it shakes and your heart is racing. At this point you hate him...like really hate him. Who is this man on this page? Dancing-drinking wine and talking all big about trying new places? Ohhh the man I knew didn't dance in public...never bought a bottle of wine in fourteen damn years...until last week. You sit and watch him...wine in hand...phone on his body. The phone is up his ass...and now on silent...he must think you're dumb...but women are observant and they notice when their spouse is doing something out of the norm. Why do we need to feel jealous when we don't want them? Good riddance! I think it's a possession thing...a why didn't they do that for me type of thing. You wanted out and you kept staying for fear of hurting him. But here he is...on dating sites and saying and doing things that you never would have dreamt. All those nights you sat in the church parking lot...praying...all those nights you lied in bed crying...stood in the shower crying...and whining to your friends...well here is your damn sign...take it... A wise friend said sometimes you gotta hurt to heal...and I say this phrase daily now.