Awake

As usual I am awake in the middle of the night! I've been up since 1 and it is 5:05 and I have to get up at 6 so...going to be a long day! So naturally I am thinking...our electricity is out and has been since. 3:30. :( You know this weekend was a busy one. I got a taste of what I will be looking at soon as a single parent. I had J by myself the majority I the time. I took her to the movies...just her and I...that might not seem like a big deal to some but to me it really bothered me that it was her first time at the movies and he didn't want to go. I mean I try to never miss any of her 1st's and big moments. She had a blast and it was so cute watching her face and hearing her talk about it...but she also said I wish daddy could have came. So that was sad...she's growing up so fast and she's so sassy and she gives me a lot of frustration at times but then she smiles and she's so polite and loving it melts my heart. I can't believe I'm about to change her life and possibly future and outlook. I hope I don't destroy her and I pray and worry so much that someday she'll leave me to go live with her daddy and new wife. I think about way too much. It would kill me...especially since that's the age we could bond and talk about more grown up topics. I hope I don't fail her. I feel like I mess up everything I touch. I still don't understand why God would give me such a beautiful little girl when I'm so prone to failure and I don't want to be a bad mom and I don't want to lose her when she's 12 to another woman. I'm losing my house-my life-my husband and money. I feel like I'm losing everything. On top of that I have to move in two months and I don't know where I am going to go. This is going to sneak up on me fast since I only have weekends to pack and find a place and sell my house hopefully soon! I dread the moving, packing and stress. I wish my life was different (better). I am thankful God provides and I keep praying that I'll end up in a good place in time. I'm so sad about the apartments that it is looking like I might have to live in. Financially I can't afford the better ones as my credit sucks so who knows! I see myself falling into the downward spiral. I'm seeing myself-food stamps-assistance-struggling and being depressed. I really hope I don't get to that point. I just don't know how I can do this...