Complex

It's 3am I should be sleeping but sadly like every night I am up with a million thoughts. I never sleep...I'm exhausted all the time. I'm stressed and worn out physically and mentally. Recently I have gone to 3 doctors for pain in my body and jaw. All 3 told me it was stress. They all asked me if I was stressed and of course I shrugged it off and said yeah a little. (If only I could shout out all my problems and just make them go away!) So I went to the chiropractor and she has this machine that is really awesome. Basically in the photo your back is supposed to have short green lines to show a healthy back and little stress. Mine pops up...long red lines 500% over the limit and 298% over. Her face was (actually kind of funny). I said what's wrong? She said are you stressed? I played it off like I do...yeah a little I think I handle it well. Then she proceeds to show me and explain. She says this is one of the worst ones she has seen! It was pretty impressive with all the red!

I'm worried about my future and now with my dad getting a divorce and my finances and how this is going to flip mine and babies life. The X and I hardly even talk. He's too busy texting and emailing all these random woman. Like a crazy amount like close to 100 and while most aren't responding its still hard to see him and read it. I see him texting woman till all hours of the night and while I shouldn't care...I'm nosy. Everyone keeps saying I'm stupid and why do I care when I don't want him. Which I see is a valid but the thing is I'm jealous and nosy. I don't want him...I know that for a fact esp now that he's been out kissing and telling random girls things. It's the things he tells them and the effort he puts into them that bothers me. 14years and I can count on one hand the times he's complimented me. He tells them things like you're pretty, beautiful, sexy etc. I have asked him for 14 years for a vacation-even something small-no he doesn't like to travel. Then the other day he tells this new girl he lovesto travel and a lists a few places he wants to go. Really? He told one girl he tries to see the baby every day and put her to bed when he can. I was like WTF you live with her and sleep in the same bed! What's this try? Of course they think he lives alone. I get that he's trying to run game and stuff but it still bothers me. Tonight my nail lady and friend (she's been doing my nails for 3yrs) said something that made me think a little. She's Vietnamese so she thinks a little different and their culture is a lot different.  She says tho...and she she doesn't know about my situation but she knows the Asian culture isn't loving an affectionate...she says you know just because they don't say it doesn't mean they don't love u they show it with other actions. Which is soooo true in my case. She says and sometimes that's ok and that's enough...I thought about it and I get it but sadly it's not enough for me. I want more. I've fallen out of love. I hate that and I hate myself. He's a good guy but I want/need more. We literally go out to eat and we don't talk-we drive out of town and we hardly speak...I need that interaction. I need to be made to feel like I'm there. I ask him questions-he ignores me or doesn't answer and I am so sick-beyond sick of looking at his profile and standing there waiting for an answer to get nothing. I have been a bitch lately and I'm like hello when I ask a question that means you respond. Or...I start talking to myself. I say how was your day? He doesn't answer so I say things like well it was good etc. I hate that! I have gone over my check and what my rent can be...omg I'm not sure I can make it. I'm seriously going to be poor-like dirt poor and struggling. I keep driving by where I would be ok and feel safe living but then I tear up because I can't afford it. Then I drive by some shady trashier places and I know that's where I'll be in a few months. I'm moving down and this is hard for me. I'm scared...ESP being alone at night with a baby in a place I don't feel safe. I pray to God...I feel like I am doing the right thing by leaving him...when I think about just dealing God gives me a sign as the x is extra mean-like the push to keep moving. I'm so upset with my life and I get upset with God for putting me here. But I pray constantly. You know God takes care of me...he amazes me because he always pulls me through. The other night I was in a bad place...I was having a breakdown and like that...God was there...I felt it And I calmed and I stood still and I got the answer I needed. I smiled and I laughed a little. I'm ok...I'm alive...I do stupid things and I try to do things to occupy my mind and make me feel better. I had a convo with him...I wish sometimes that I could just talk to him and have him just point blank tell me I'm going to be ok and to do such and such. But then I stop and I realize that he does and I have to listen to my heart-to him. I am not in love with the x but I'll always love him and I'm trying to stay friends with him but its so hard. I told him...if he would have said and done things for me that he doing for these random hoes then we wouldn't be In this place. He knows what I need and it's very simple. I just want to hear I love you and a compliment and be spoken to -

simple things. Now it can't be fixed because I have fallen out of love. I'm like a radio...once I have been turned off I can not be turned back on. I tried to make us work. I suggested counseling-I prayed and I told him 500million times what I need. He just can't say I love you and he can't show me affection so his pride is causing our marriage to end. That's fine...god is hopefully leading me to a man that is a better fit. However the issue I have now...I don't trust men. I don't trust many people. I will most likely never give all of myself to a man or person again.