Put on the fake smile

Today has already started out hard...I wake up everyday thinking I'm going to be fine...I am not going to be snippy with the soon to be x. But then I find out stuff. I found out he has met her for drinks-which still I find funny considering we never went out for drinks! Also the place they went is funny to me considering when he and I went he thought it was overrated. Anyway I gave him a chance to be open with me and tell me they met there...but he swore on me and our child they haven't met. I must of given him 5-6 dif times to come clean. Finally I just told him...I know..he clams up. I ask why he lied and naturally I get the silent treatment. I said you know I'm trying and we said we would be open but I can't believe anything you say now. I just can't believe that he lies sooo much and now I seriously don't know when to believe him. It's pissing me off. We are trying to be civil and stay friends and stay in this house until we sell it but lately I just want to say F U and leave him high and dry for all his stupid lies and behavior. I'm trying to be a good person and stay friendly but this stuff is killing me. I hate that I let this eat at me...ESP since we are separated technically. I'll never be happy with anyone he's talking to I feel. A friend said maybe I need someone to talk to a guy and date around but I don't feel right dating...I mean I don't really have time and I'm a mom first and I really don't feel like any guy would want me anyways. I don't feel like dealing with stupid men and drama and having to fix myself up and all that stuff. Today is Easter...we are getting ready to go to 2 family events. One event: 2 cousins are getting married in 2 weeks and my sister is newly engaged...so lots of happy talk about marriage and love-inside I'll be bitter-dying and sad. My family doesn't know about this and I don't plan to tell them until I have a new place to go. I'm a planner-heck at this point I might not even tell them until I'm in my new place. I dread today-the almost 2 hour drive to and from with a man I am growing to hate even more every day. I just don't know how I going to be able to do this...I want to lie in bed and hide away but I couldn't even if I wanted. I have to keep going for baby girl. But inside...I'm seriously drowning and upset and I'm slipping away. I don't even like who I am. I pray constantly for contentment and peace and yes...love in the future.

Flustered

You find out your husband is seeing another woman...a million things run through your head...you're
hurt-angry-worried and confused. You want to lash out and punch him and the woman he's talking to. A man that you have been with for 14 years...you don't want him anymore but you don't want him with someone else...especially going out on fun dates and doing things y'all never did. You become a spy...better then any FBI agent out there. Why do you care? With everything you hear and read...you feel your body tightening. So much that it shakes and your heart is racing. At this point you hate him...like really hate him. Who is this man on this page? Dancing-drinking wine and talking all big about trying new places? Ohhh the man I knew didn't dance in public...never bought a bottle of wine in fourteen damn years...until last week. You sit and watch him...wine in hand...phone on his body. The phone is up his ass...and now on silent...he must think you're dumb...but women are observant and they notice when their spouse is doing something out of the norm. Why do we need to feel jealous when we don't want them? Good riddance! I think it's a possession thing...a why didn't they do that for me type of thing. You wanted out and you kept staying for fear of hurting him. But here he is...on dating sites and saying and doing things that you never would have dreamt. All those nights you sat in the church parking lot...praying...all those nights you lied in bed crying...stood in the shower crying...and whining to your friends...well here is your damn sign...take it... A wise friend said sometimes you gotta hurt to heal...and I say this phrase daily now.

Stripped Down

She woke up the morning earlier then normal. Got up...up and actually fixed her hair and did her make-up. Decided to do a new look with her eye shadows. She curled her hair and put on a cute outfit and put on her favorite perfume...Body by Victoria. It makes her happy...she goes to the ole work. Work...that she dreads going to now that she's in a new office. She dreads the drive...after work she goes to do a laser treatment for hair removal. It's free today so why not? While there she starts to think about all her flaws-her ugly body-hairy self-acne scarred face-she talks to the assistants and they tell her all these 'miracle' fixes. Brochures in hand she leaves...meets up with her...can she still call him husband? They get to talking about his future 'date' coming up. Anger fills her. She doesn't understand why she gets so upset when this is something she wants. A way out and being friends. Sounds perfect right? The flaw? She's jealous and possessive and nosy. A big fight breaks lose and things are said that shouldn't be...who is this girl and what happened to the fun, happy girl? Looking in the mirror now...this girl is me...I start to remove one earring at a time while looking at the sad face staring back at me. Gosh I'm ugly. I remove my necklace...this beautiful necklace that he gave me...next the rings...Another thought as I look in the mirror...I hate myself...I remove my false eyelashes and take off my makeup and stand there in my pj's. I just stand and stare. I hate the face that looks back at me. I hate the life and the moment I'm in. No one is going to want me. While he moves on and finds someone new no one will want to date me. I can't start over...I don't even want to mess with the whole 'scene' and trying to put on a happy face. I will never be content-I will never be able to trust a man and fully give myself to him. How can I have another man around my baby? I can't because now it's just me and her. I won't let another man hurt me or allow myself to get comfortable and let my guard down. I stand there and glance at the image again...I'm stripped down-no make-up no fancy clothes. Nothing...

Welcome

Hi and welcome to my new blog! First off my name is Tiffany. I have wanted to start a blog for awhile but I just kept making excuses and life would get in the way. One of the reason's is I was worried about no one reading it! I started thinking if they don't now...maybe someday they will run across it and take a look. Even if I never get subscribers I will use this as a way to vent and someday maybe my beautiful little daughter will read this. This blog will be a VERY open. I will talk about my family, fears, funny moments, worries, fashion, makeup and even organizing and home repair projects! So here goes a new chapter in my life with blogging and my future...which I will get into that more later! Thanks and have a blessed day!