Worried

It has been awhile since I have written. So much has happened. We now have filed for divorce and he's dating and I'm seeing a guy. A guy that I'm falling for too fast probably. He's beautiful and so I keep having worries about why he's with me. He tells me sweet stuff all the time and he's affectionate and I love that. I have this fear he's going to leave me or hurt me and I shouldn't let my guard down. I've been with him at the hospital a lot because he got hurt really bad. He's home now and I've been trying to be there for him. I think this is making our relationship stronger-him knowing I've been there. I just found out something the other day that has me really worried. I find out Tuesday the answer and I'm so worried about what the answer will be. I put myself in this crazy position-my life that I'm in now. I guess I will figure it out and it'll be ok-hard but ok. I probably won't get any sleep Monday and much tonight. But then again...sleep and I haven't been the best of friends for quite some time. 

Is that a Ray?

So lots has been going on. I don't even know where to start in this jumble. So...Friday my cousin got married. It was the most beautiful wedding. The reception was beautiful and they were beautiful and everyone in his party was so nice and Christian. My sister of course looked beautiful and we would hug our family and on at least 2 occasions they were like go you look beautiful as always. Then my turn...I got the hug and hi. I felt so ugly around them all. I saw myself in photos-1 in particular...and I was like wow...diet stat! I thought about my sister because she will be marrying soon. I listened to the vows and the sweet stuff and I thought about how happy they are. What a great godly couple. I sat out there in that audience beside my sister and her fiancé next to my dad and step mom (who are also taking divorce) and I thought no one knows that I am divorcing and struggling. My divorce is already pending...just waiting to get the papers back to file with judge. I sit next to my x...as I listen to how wonderful marriage is and I was sad. I was bitter and I was angry. I fought back tears. I remember sitting at the reception looking around at a room full of wealthy people and I looked at that photo (the one I look disgusting in) on my phone...I almost deleted it but I thought I'll use it for motivation...maybe. Before long in front of me sat 4 beers and I don't even drink beer and 2 cups of wine-that I don't even like. I started to drift off to that sad place but I can't here. You know my family soon will get the news...oh we are divorced it was final months ago! (By then) and btw I live in a tiny apt and wonder how I'm going to make it and pay my bills every day! What a great life I'm about to have! My sister begs me to get on the dance floor with her-I feel stupid and I can't let myself go and be goofy. There is a person inside of me that wants to get out and live and dance and cut up but I'm so self conscious and worried about looking dumb...I hold myself back. I look like a dud instead of the fun girl my family thinks I am. So the x is talking to a fugly girl which frankly I don't get. I really think it's just the attention he is getting because surely he doesn't think she's cute. She's big and has a big long nose. Plus she doesn't smile in photos and show her teeth. She's probably hiding some ugly teeth. I'm mean but I feel like she's using him. She has 2 kids and no baby daddies really...lives at home with her parents and she only 27. She's looking for a man to take her out and help her. I'm on to her. But whatever...I'm going to have a hard time letting anyone near my baby girl. I don't know if I can handle her having a step mom. I know this is a battle I will struggle with. I know it's early but my biggest fear is that my little girl will leave me and go live with her daddy and his new wife and she'll get all those bonding moments with my baby and the talks and bonding. That will absolutely kill me. It brings tears to my eyes even writing this. So on another note I finally decided to put myself out there. I have a few guys I'm talking to. One I'm am pretty head over heels for although I'm playing it cool and trying to not get my hopes up. I keep having thoughts run through my head...I just can't believe he likes me...I have another who is really sweet but I just don't feel the same 'click' as I do with the 1st one. Super sweet tho! Then...I have drama man! Everyone needs one right? This guy is a big sports writer for the paper and gets to meet all the famous people and attend all the cool parties and he wants to fly me here and there and buy me coach this and Michael kors that! Which I would love!! But I'm not attracted to him physically and his personality kills me! He's so cocky and we fight more then we talk and I'm just not feeling it. I thought I should just go to these cool events and let him spoil me. He wants to do things for me and to me that are really nice! But I'm not built like that. I kind of wish I was as wrong as that is. I can't bena trophy girl if I'm not feeling him. I told him to calm down and quit being so up front and in my face! I told him about going out with that other guy and he still chases me. I was hoping he would stop. I'll probably keep him in the wings in case I need him!