Random

So tonight the little one had dance. We then went to Chick Fil A...she likes the playground better then the food I think but whatever...it beats McDonald's! She sang and danced and had the whole restaurants attention! It was pretty impressive. She was telling stories and singing songs about God. Then she talked about how she loves the Mav's-Rangers and Bombers! She even did the cheers! People were eating it up. She's a natural in public and people flock to her. She's got a bright future and it involves her public speaking! I believe that God put her with us to help get her to that point. My sweet strong-willed stubborn girl. So I have realized that the ex is officially over me...really I think his pride is getting in the way of crawling back...so I have to just let go as hard as this is...A guy asked me out. Wow I've never really been on a date. I'm nervous. I hope we mesh well. I just feel so fat and ugly and not mentally where I would like to be. Maybe this getting out and getting attention will help bring me out of the slump. I feel guilty...but he didn't when he left me and made out with the girl ..and he didn't when they texted 24-7....so I need to just get over it...we have our good days and bad. I don't want to lose him and I want us to be those people where others say...I don't know how they do it but they are good friends and Baby can grow up with us close and civil...Now I have had a few thoughts where I have thought maybe I should just beg and plead and make it work...but that wouldn't be fair...neither of us are happy. Plus I asked him to work on it and do counseling. He said no...but I swear...every time I think to myself, I should try...maybe it's me...I'm just a crappy person incapable of love and being happy..bam like a sign from God...like lightening...the mood will change and he'll get all pissy with the baby and it snaps me back. I struggle because I know divorce is wrong and dating is wrong now...I've never felt 'comfortable and content'. I truly would like to still believe that God will answer my prayers and help me find peace and contentment. I prayed so so hard...I still pray for that...I am holding on to the faith that he will allow me to be where I feel like I belong.

Control freak

So I think I have a problem. I am accepting the fact that I am a control freak! It's odd...I'm controlling and possessive. I wish I wasn't but I don't know how to stop caring so much. I am nosy-a natural FBI agent. If you hide it...I will find it. I'm obsessive. I wish I ha more positive traits and talent. I can name a million things I hate about myself and one-pushing it that I like about myself. Sad...I am going to have to work on that...I have been but I haven't been successful.

Killing me

I feel like I'm slowly dying... He's killing me. He put a lock on his cell phone-told me he changed his email password (when I didn't even know the other p word or care to check). All this distrust and hiding things...makes me feel like a piece of shit. I can't trust him at all. Apparently he thinks I'm a horrible person when he is the one that has been emailing girls and signing up to all these sites behind my back. I hate that I can't trust him at all. I never really trust anyone but out of everyone he was the one I trusted almost completely. Now he is doing all this crazy stuff and ignoring me and I talk more to his back or profile. Last night he said his password was too easy to figure out and this morning he says he forgot it so he changed it. I said whatever last night you basically lead me to believe you didn't trust me and today your singing a different tune. He then said he doesn't have a password on his phone and then I said yes and then he said he does sometimes and doesn't. What the hell kind of sense does that make? He's a f'ing idiot and I am ready to move. He comes in here this morning all dancing and being stupid and totally ignoring my questions or answering me. I seriously hate him now and that hurts because he is the one person I wanted to be able to be friends with. Once you lose someone's trust-esp mine...I can't go back to believing and trusting again. He's kind of dead to me and he'll be a surface friend and that hurts. I wish so much I could move...but I just don't how I will financially be able to do this...I'm about to find out and find out how strong I really am. I am also going to have to do a serious downgrade and live in a place I don't want to or feel really safe...so I guess sleeping will be even harder for me. This shit sucks...my life sucks...I prayed so hard as a little girl...I remember in high school praying so hard everyday...this is not the life I prayed for. I feel I wasted so much time doing that and thinking that I would have a chance at the good 'normal' life.

Betrayed

Today was a day I dreaded for awhile. A very hard day...after being gone all weekend I come home to an X that met that match girl 2 times over the weekend. Stayed out with her all day and night and texting when they are apart. He told me that he kissed her on the cheek...then he said they french kissed 2 times. Like I a knife. I literally blacked out a little. I'm crying while writing this. We were at a restaurant and I started crying. Of course as time would have it my baby had to go potty. So here we were in the bathroom...I was crying so hard...I couldn't catch my breath. I almost threw up. I'm literally only standing because I'm leaning on the toilet paper holder. I laid my head on it and cried...My beautiful baby girl...watching me and asking what's wrong. I don't want her to see me like this but I can't stop crying. I'm so pissed...I try to gather myself. After all I do have to walk out of this stall. I look in the mirror to try to wash my smeared makeup. The face that looks back at me disgusts me. I'm so ugly. There are so many things I hate about my self and my life. The cons out way the pro's. I can't think of anything that I like about myself. I used to have light-a glow-I used to care about people and always make them laugh and compliment them. Now...I sit here looking at myself with disgust. Baby says mommy are you sad at me? I tear up again...no baby I love you more then anything in the world and she hugs me. Damn tears again...I thought I could handle this..I'm tough right? I haven't slept in weeks. I should be sleeping now but here I am in bed...crying thinking about the stupid kiss. He told me we are separated and we are trying to live together until we sell the house...I told him I need to move- this is going to really F up my credit and future if I have to lose this house. Finances...it's going to be so hard to make it alone. But I don't know how much longer I can stay here with him and watch him text. I told him to not come close to me...I said I can't promise you that I won't knock you the F out. I said I feel like punching your F'Ing face. I have been saying the F word to him more in the last 2 weeks then I ever have in 14 yrs! I told him I hope that kiss was worth it and that she's worth it because he just lost a friend and my trust. I don't trust anyone...and he was the one exception. Now of course I'm back to being bitter. I'm so so sad...I don't know how I am going to be able to put on this 'happy' face at work. I just want to go far far away.

Father worries

As far as the earlier post-they just hugged...kind of a relief but there still is the wine date tomorrow. ;( Another worry of mine has been my dad...he is having a really hard time...like me, he is in an unhappy marriage. They stay together because neither of them want to bite the bullet and leave. It's such a hassle to leave-to pack-to figure out who gets what and where to go. You know...so they stay and they are both miserable. What a sad way to live...30+ years of marriage with the last few...unhappy. They should cut their ties...I am so worried he is going to have a heart attack. It's not fair to either of them. I love them both and now that I am older and I see the world in not so black and white I feel their pain and understand it. My dad has always been a funny outgoing charismatic man. A workaholic...never having less then 3 jobs always. He recently purchased a big business-took out 80,000+ to buy this. It was very successful. Then after having this for close to 2 months he receives word this big company that basically supported his business has decided to sell out. Now he has all these vending machines to move out. We are talking about a place that made him $14,000 in a month. He took money out of his retirement and now he has this stock that he is stuck with. I told him I would try to help him sell them and get some of his money back-but he won't be able to get that much money. I feel so bad for him. Something he was excited about...ripped away and financially has strapped him. I saw him Sunday...he looks worn...he's grumpy (due to his marriage-she can't do anything right it seems) he's moody and he's tired. Tired of so many things-his marriage issues are killing him-he's overworked-he's not happy doing what he's doing and he's craving attention. At the same time he's getting pissy and grumpy and pushing people away. Not that he would admit or realize that. I love my dad and I hate to see that he's losing his light-his glow and sparkle in his eyes.

Hard day

Today is a hard day...yesterday the X went to lunch with the new match girl. Tonight they are meeting and tomorrow they have a date at a wine field. He never drank wine. Tonight worries me because they might kiss. I keep telling myself why do I care? I mean I don't want him...I know for sure I don't want him. I guess I just don't want him to move on so fast. I mean it is so hard living with him and seeing him talk and meet her. I hate that I am so nosy. I really wish I could turn off my emotions. I need to move out of the house. He is making me hate him. I don't trust any man...no matter how good they seem. Sadly every guy would cheat no matter. My friend told me sometimes you have to eat shit to get what you want. Right now I am putting money aside and paying off old debt so that way when I do move out money won't be so tight. I dread thinking about living check to check...I digress...so tonight is his meet up...I am so annoyed and nosy. I dread the thought of them kissing and walking hand in hand. But oh well...I guess it is what it is...I need to deal...I need to go play and have fun also...but I will never trust another man and right now I am not in the mindset to even work on wanting to build a relationship!