To be thin...or thinner

The words dying to be thin come to mind. I saw my reflection this weekend when I went to my dads house. They recently got new wood floors so they took off the mirror closet doors and placed them in the bathroom. I went to use the bathroom and right in front of the toilet sat the mirrors so you have to look at yourself. Lovely I thought. I sat and stared awhile and zoned out for a few thinking how ugly and fat I looked. I thought about the lawyer again. I was with him the day before and now I see myself like this and I'm disgusted. I stand up and I see these huge thighs. Omg I can't believe I let myself get like this. I used to have nice toned legs. Now they are big white and ugly. I can't tan...I'm doing laser hair removal-another struggle I'm facing. I've got to lose weight I think. I can't stop looking and tears form in my eyes...I'm sup to be doing a quick pee and leaving to head to my g pa's! I can't walk out of here with tears in my eyes. My eyes are stuck on the legs-then the Belly and now I'm up dressed and washing my hands. I lean in to the mirror and look at my face. Ugh the scars and discoloration. I've got to do the laser to get the scars taken care of. Once my hair removal is done (which I only have till Aug-however I don't see a difference and that's going to break my heart and esteem even more if it doesn't work). I can't do scar and hair removal at the same time...I think...I'll double check! I found some of my old diet pills last night...I started them this morning. I hope they work and I can make myself workout and lose! I'm still upset about the lawyer...I want to text him today but I'm making myself not. I've got to get my robe back so I will text him Thurs asking him to mail it if I don't hear from him. I'm pissed I left it at his house. I want it back so I hope he does mail it or better yet gives it to me in person and shows me that I'm over analyzing. Whatever...I don't need a man now anyways because summer is here and I don't want to show skin. I hope I can lose and find happiness soon. I don't know why this is so hard for me.