Crazy

Tonight...well today has been a pretty crappy day. I woke up to to deaths of two people I know. One I went to school with and one I worked with. One died of cancer and one died by his own hand. He had 4 kids and a wife and I feel so bad for them. I do think suicide is selfish. I know it's hard but you know everything passes and when you have family and children you need to think of them. I got into a stupid fight with my friend over this.  She doesn't understand any of my thoughts and views lately. It's like I can't say anything right around her and it upsets me. For someone who is so liberal she's very black or white and I'm 

Very gray.  I'm also upset at myself...for a lot of reasons...I feel like I'm a loser and so inadequate. I looked at myself this morning in the car at a light on the way to work. This face...I thought...the scars and just ugly double chin. Yuck...that lawyer has pretty much been consuming most of my daily thoughts. Today we didn't talk much...which really pisses me off and upsets me. I'm so stupid to think that he would like me and want to continue to see me. He said he does but his actions are not saying that. We went from texting all day to just under 6 probably today. :( I hate that I hung with him Fri and I hate that I let him get to me and woo me. I wish I could take it back. Tomorrow I don't plan to text him at all...which is going to be soooo hard...I hope he texts me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday ill send him a text asking him to mail my robe back. I left it at his place and its my fav so I want it back. I hope I get it and I hope I get to see him. He's to good for me...he could do better and get better. He's beautiful and a lawyer and makes really good money. He has a great future and I want all that. I'll never have that probably. I wish I could date him and see where it went but we're in two dif places and I'm ugly and fat and he can do so much better. I'm so stupid thinking he just might actually like me and think I'm pretty. I hate that. Just another thing for me to hate about me and my life.