Betrayed

Today was a day I dreaded for awhile. A very hard day...after being gone all weekend I come home to an X that met that match girl 2 times over the weekend. Stayed out with her all day and night and texting when they are apart. He told me that he kissed her on the cheek...then he said they french kissed 2 times. Like I a knife. I literally blacked out a little. I'm crying while writing this. We were at a restaurant and I started crying. Of course as time would have it my baby had to go potty. So here we were in the bathroom...I was crying so hard...I couldn't catch my breath. I almost threw up. I'm literally only standing because I'm leaning on the toilet paper holder. I laid my head on it and cried...My beautiful baby girl...watching me and asking what's wrong. I don't want her to see me like this but I can't stop crying. I'm so pissed...I try to gather myself. After all I do have to walk out of this stall. I look in the mirror to try to wash my smeared makeup. The face that looks back at me disgusts me. I'm so ugly. There are so many things I hate about my self and my life. The cons out way the pro's. I can't think of anything that I like about myself. I used to have light-a glow-I used to care about people and always make them laugh and compliment them. Now...I sit here looking at myself with disgust. Baby says mommy are you sad at me? I tear up again...no baby I love you more then anything in the world and she hugs me. Damn tears again...I thought I could handle this..I'm tough right? I haven't slept in weeks. I should be sleeping now but here I am in bed...crying thinking about the stupid kiss. He told me we are separated and we are trying to live together until we sell the house...I told him I need to move- this is going to really F up my credit and future if I have to lose this house. Finances...it's going to be so hard to make it alone. But I don't know how much longer I can stay here with him and watch him text. I told him to not come close to me...I said I can't promise you that I won't knock you the F out. I said I feel like punching your F'Ing face. I have been saying the F word to him more in the last 2 weeks then I ever have in 14 yrs! I told him I hope that kiss was worth it and that she's worth it because he just lost a friend and my trust. I don't trust anyone...and he was the one exception. Now of course I'm back to being bitter. I'm so so sad...I don't know how I am going to be able to put on this 'happy' face at work. I just want to go far far away.