Broken

My heart is absolutely broken tonight. I come from the doctor to find out that my X is on match and has been...when last night he said he wasn't. I'm so sick of his lies. Then next part: he's meeting a girl-that has a half Asian kid (14months) at our place. My fav restaurant. A place I've had many birthdays at-a place we take our daughter to dance-a place we celebrated our anniversary at- a place we meet me best friend at. Now I will never be able to go there again-which really upsets me esp now that we have little girl and they have the perfect set up for her to dance. I love listening to our music people sing and all that is lost cuz he is taking this new chick there. She's already talking about him playing with her little boy. I'm absolutely sick that of all places he is taking her there. 

Here we go again

So it's been awhile since I have written. Today I chose to write because I'm down and sad. The X is talking to a girl-he's meeting her tonight. He drove 45 min to meet her. I have a hard time getting him to drive 10 minutes to try a new place. Where they are eating: a place we meet my family at pretty regularly and he always says he hates it. I'm gonna have a  hard time going back and I won't be able to tell my family why. I hate that our money is paying for him to take another girl out and I hate that our money is used to put gas in our truck so he can go see another girl. I need to move out ASAP. I'm hating him so much and getting so bitter towards him. I hate that it bothers me...I hate that he told her she was beautiful. He never says that to me unless I bring it up. I know he's just trying to get some tang but damn its like a knife in my heart. Plus this girl is Hispanic and has a couple of kids and dif baby daddies! What the hell?! Someday when he's serious with a girl I am going to have a REALLY hard time letting her around J. Which I shouldn't be. I'm a bitch. I've lost myself in this marriage I've been unhappy for 9-10 years and I just settled to be together. The whole time suffering and never feeling that 'click' like I'm where I belong. Now I have a baby and she's my world and I hate that I'm bringing her up in a divided house. This is not how I wanted my life to be. I'm so unhappy. I feel like so ugly and I feel like I'll never be happy. I don't trust men and I feel like no one will love me and be attracted to me. I wanted to do something to keep my mind busy but friends-Well they ignored their texts or they were busy. I hate that I don't have true close friends that I can tell everything to. I do have one god friend I can tel most to. She works with me and I love her! I live this whole life and I've done all these crazy things that I probably honestly wouldn't tell anyone but it would be nice to be able to tell some. She said she wouldn't be able to stay long so who knows when he will get home. It's an hour drive. I hope she doesn't like him but hell she's single and has two kids and hasn't been on a date in a year. He has a job and money and she needs a baby daddy so who knows. 

To be thin...or thinner

The words dying to be thin come to mind. I saw my reflection this weekend when I went to my dads house. They recently got new wood floors so they took off the mirror closet doors and placed them in the bathroom. I went to use the bathroom and right in front of the toilet sat the mirrors so you have to look at yourself. Lovely I thought. I sat and stared awhile and zoned out for a few thinking how ugly and fat I looked. I thought about the lawyer again. I was with him the day before and now I see myself like this and I'm disgusted. I stand up and I see these huge thighs. Omg I can't believe I let myself get like this. I used to have nice toned legs. Now they are big white and ugly. I can't tan...I'm doing laser hair removal-another struggle I'm facing. I've got to lose weight I think. I can't stop looking and tears form in my eyes...I'm sup to be doing a quick pee and leaving to head to my g pa's! I can't walk out of here with tears in my eyes. My eyes are stuck on the legs-then the Belly and now I'm up dressed and washing my hands. I lean in to the mirror and look at my face. Ugh the scars and discoloration. I've got to do the laser to get the scars taken care of. Once my hair removal is done (which I only have till Aug-however I don't see a difference and that's going to break my heart and esteem even more if it doesn't work). I can't do scar and hair removal at the same time...I think...I'll double check! I found some of my old diet pills last night...I started them this morning. I hope they work and I can make myself workout and lose! I'm still upset about the lawyer...I want to text him today but I'm making myself not. I've got to get my robe back so I will text him Thurs asking him to mail it if I don't hear from him. I'm pissed I left it at his house. I want it back so I hope he does mail it or better yet gives it to me in person and shows me that I'm over analyzing. Whatever...I don't need a man now anyways because summer is here and I don't want to show skin. I hope I can lose and find happiness soon. I don't know why this is so hard for me. 

Crazy

Tonight...well today has been a pretty crappy day. I woke up to to deaths of two people I know. One I went to school with and one I worked with. One died of cancer and one died by his own hand. He had 4 kids and a wife and I feel so bad for them. I do think suicide is selfish. I know it's hard but you know everything passes and when you have family and children you need to think of them. I got into a stupid fight with my friend over this.  She doesn't understand any of my thoughts and views lately. It's like I can't say anything right around her and it upsets me. For someone who is so liberal she's very black or white and I'm 

Very gray.  I'm also upset at myself...for a lot of reasons...I feel like I'm a loser and so inadequate. I looked at myself this morning in the car at a light on the way to work. This face...I thought...the scars and just ugly double chin. Yuck...that lawyer has pretty much been consuming most of my daily thoughts. Today we didn't talk much...which really pisses me off and upsets me. I'm so stupid to think that he would like me and want to continue to see me. He said he does but his actions are not saying that. We went from texting all day to just under 6 probably today. :( I hate that I hung with him Fri and I hate that I let him get to me and woo me. I wish I could take it back. Tomorrow I don't plan to text him at all...which is going to be soooo hard...I hope he texts me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday ill send him a text asking him to mail my robe back. I left it at his place and its my fav so I want it back. I hope I get it and I hope I get to see him. He's to good for me...he could do better and get better. He's beautiful and a lawyer and makes really good money. He has a great future and I want all that. I'll never have that probably. I wish I could date him and see where it went but we're in two dif places and I'm ugly and fat and he can do so much better. I'm so stupid thinking he just might actually like me and think I'm pretty. I hate that. Just another thing for me to hate about me and my life. 

Frustration

I am so frustrated. So many things going on and so much stress. A lot on my mind and it's really wearing me thin. I went to two family reunions Sat. I just feel so dumb and ugly and inadequate at those. I'm the big girl. When I'm standing by someone...I feel like I'm so much bigger and I just focus and think about my flaws my scars on my face..my body everything. I met a guy...he's a lawyer and I've gone out with him a few times now. I went to his place and we watched a movie and stuff...I like him...he's really good looking. I'm sure it will fizzle now that I've open myself up to date. I hate men now. They just want to use you to get a piece. I wanted to look good...I went and got eyelash extensions. I told them to just do a few to see if I was allergic to the extra sensitive glue...turns out I am...my eyes itch and swelled up. I've been taking Benadryl and putting itching cream on it. No one notices but me. I hope the swelling goes down. I also sadly hope that I get another date with the lawyer but you know how you have that gut feeling??? I have it...our date went good...we moved fast. I don't know I'm so stupid. I don't know why it's so hard to just be happy. I mean I want the simple life...a man I'm crazy about and one who's crazy about me and J...makes good money and makes me happy and gets along with my family. I'm sure I'll be updating this week about how we didn't work out. :( I should just give up and face the fact that I'm never gonna be happy and my life is always going to be a struggle. I have another huge huge huge worry that I'm losing sleep over and tomorrow is the result day kind of...I mean I get half tomorrow but then the next process starts and I still have to wait. This is it for me...I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I'm so low and close to losing what little I do have. And friends and family...I have no one I can fully talk to or trust. I try to tell my family about my stress and they don't listen or they act like its not a big deal or make it about them. I had a best friend a few of them for years like close to 20 and where are they? I went back home this weekend for the reunions and she couldn't e en come see me. Said I should come see here hen she knew I had one day-two reunions and still a almost two he drive home. She grew upcoming to both of these a d tried to use the excuse she didn't feel right. What the F ever I guess I'll just be done. I'm tired of always being the one to contact everyone. :( I'm falling apart and I really need a change and something good to happen.