Tough thoughts

Today is Friday. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up the baby from daycare and I saw a man and his wife pushing a stroller and walking on the street. I thought to myself how sweet…as he positioned himself on the outside and put her on the curb side so that if a car hit them it would hit him first. He probably didn’t think about it and he for sure didn’t think that I would notice that and even think about it. I also saw an elderly man and woman in my office that have been married for 72 years. How crazy is that? These things have made me sad…here I am ending a 14 year marriage…my sister is newly engaged, 2 of my cousins just got married last month and I have another who is getting married in August. They are all starting their new life and I’m ending mine. I may never meet anyone and I’ll be single forever. I really don’t want to be with anyone and I hate to say it but when people tell me they are getting married I am like good luck with that and I feel sorry for you! I know what lies down the road. (I hate that I think like that now) I have a couple of friends who are pregnant and I’m thinking…wow they have no clue what they are in for…how much their marriage is about to be tested and how stressed they are about to be. Yes babies are fun but omg they can tear apart a marriage and break you down. Many men cheat while their wife is pregnant or after the child because their wife isn’t giving them the attention that they need. The wife is exhausted and they fight because they are tired of doing everything and then they become momma bears…they don’t want anyone hurting their little baby. There is a fine line in having a happy marriage and a baby. I had a date the other night…I felt extremely guilty about even going…to the point I was trying to talk myself out of it. My belly hurt and I just didn’t want to do it but at the same time I need to get back out there I guess. I’m not getting any younger and I’m graying so fast and I’m so ugly that I need to take what I can get. I kept thinking…he didn’t care about me when he went on his dates and when he texted non stop to his last few girls…why should I care? I asked him if he cared and his pride was getting in the way. I said are you sure you want to do this (for like the 10^th time) and he said yes I’ll just be your friend. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to put on a fake smile-worry about what to wear and worry if he will think I’m pretty enough to actually get to know me. Plus the weight and ugly face…will he really like me? I mean at night I take off my makeup and I stare in the mirror and I tear up. Sometimes I’ll walk by the mirror in my room and I’ll step back and stand there and just look at myself and tell myself what the heck? Who the heck will want to be with this? I digress…the date…so I was stressing and we have been talking and texting a few weeks…so the big day comes…I go home from work and I shower and wash my hair and put on all my good smelling lotion and hair products. I do my makeup and my eyes looked so good and my hair was nice….then I get a text…saying I can’t do this sorry for the short notice…but I don’t think we should go any further with you still living with your ex. GURR…I knew this was going to happen…I was relieved but at the same time upset. I just wasted my time getting ready and wasted my makeup and time. I told him ok I understood and he pleaded and said he really liked me and to please call him once we are living apart. I thought he would be ok with it since he told me he lived with his ex a few months after they separated. That’s ok I get it. However the last 2 days have been odd not hearing from him. I’ll probably not even mess with the whole dating thing until the fall. Summer is not good for me because then I have to show more skin and sweat and it’s just not cool. Hopefully sometime in between now and October or so I can lose weight and get some stuff figured out.

Father worries

As far as the earlier post-they just hugged...kind of a relief but there still is the wine date tomorrow. ;( Another worry of mine has been my dad...he is having a really hard time...like me, he is in an unhappy marriage. They stay together because neither of them want to bite the bullet and leave. It's such a hassle to leave-to pack-to figure out who gets what and where to go. You know...so they stay and they are both miserable. What a sad way to live...30+ years of marriage with the last few...unhappy. They should cut their ties...I am so worried he is going to have a heart attack. It's not fair to either of them. I love them both and now that I am older and I see the world in not so black and white I feel their pain and understand it. My dad has always been a funny outgoing charismatic man. A workaholic...never having less then 3 jobs always. He recently purchased a big business-took out 80,000+ to buy this. It was very successful. Then after having this for close to 2 months he receives word this big company that basically supported his business has decided to sell out. Now he has all these vending machines to move out. We are talking about a place that made him $14,000 in a month. He took money out of his retirement and now he has this stock that he is stuck with. I told him I would try to help him sell them and get some of his money back-but he won't be able to get that much money. I feel so bad for him. Something he was excited about...ripped away and financially has strapped him. I saw him Sunday...he looks worn...he's grumpy (due to his marriage-she can't do anything right it seems) he's moody and he's tired. Tired of so many things-his marriage issues are killing him-he's overworked-he's not happy doing what he's doing and he's craving attention. At the same time he's getting pissy and grumpy and pushing people away. Not that he would admit or realize that. I love my dad and I hate to see that he's losing his light-his glow and sparkle in his eyes.