Killing me

I feel like I'm slowly dying... He's killing me. He put a lock on his cell phone-told me he changed his email password (when I didn't even know the other p word or care to check). All this distrust and hiding things...makes me feel like a piece of shit. I can't trust him at all. Apparently he thinks I'm a horrible person when he is the one that has been emailing girls and signing up to all these sites behind my back. I hate that I can't trust him at all. I never really trust anyone but out of everyone he was the one I trusted almost completely. Now he is doing all this crazy stuff and ignoring me and I talk more to his back or profile. Last night he said his password was too easy to figure out and this morning he says he forgot it so he changed it. I said whatever last night you basically lead me to believe you didn't trust me and today your singing a different tune. He then said he doesn't have a password on his phone and then I said yes and then he said he does sometimes and doesn't. What the hell kind of sense does that make? He's a f'ing idiot and I am ready to move. He comes in here this morning all dancing and being stupid and totally ignoring my questions or answering me. I seriously hate him now and that hurts because he is the one person I wanted to be able to be friends with. Once you lose someone's trust-esp mine...I can't go back to believing and trusting again. He's kind of dead to me and he'll be a surface friend and that hurts. I wish so much I could move...but I just don't how I will financially be able to do this...I'm about to find out and find out how strong I really am. I am also going to have to do a serious downgrade and live in a place I don't want to or feel really safe...so I guess sleeping will be even harder for me. This shit sucks...my life sucks...I prayed so hard as a little girl...I remember in high school praying so hard everyday...this is not the life I prayed for. I feel I wasted so much time doing that and thinking that I would have a chance at the good 'normal' life.

Betrayed

Today was a day I dreaded for awhile. A very hard day...after being gone all weekend I come home to an X that met that match girl 2 times over the weekend. Stayed out with her all day and night and texting when they are apart. He told me that he kissed her on the cheek...then he said they french kissed 2 times. Like I a knife. I literally blacked out a little. I'm crying while writing this. We were at a restaurant and I started crying. Of course as time would have it my baby had to go potty. So here we were in the bathroom...I was crying so hard...I couldn't catch my breath. I almost threw up. I'm literally only standing because I'm leaning on the toilet paper holder. I laid my head on it and cried...My beautiful baby girl...watching me and asking what's wrong. I don't want her to see me like this but I can't stop crying. I'm so pissed...I try to gather myself. After all I do have to walk out of this stall. I look in the mirror to try to wash my smeared makeup. The face that looks back at me disgusts me. I'm so ugly. There are so many things I hate about my self and my life. The cons out way the pro's. I can't think of anything that I like about myself. I used to have light-a glow-I used to care about people and always make them laugh and compliment them. Now...I sit here looking at myself with disgust. Baby says mommy are you sad at me? I tear up again...no baby I love you more then anything in the world and she hugs me. Damn tears again...I thought I could handle this..I'm tough right? I haven't slept in weeks. I should be sleeping now but here I am in bed...crying thinking about the stupid kiss. He told me we are separated and we are trying to live together until we sell the house...I told him I need to move- this is going to really F up my credit and future if I have to lose this house. Finances...it's going to be so hard to make it alone. But I don't know how much longer I can stay here with him and watch him text. I told him to not come close to me...I said I can't promise you that I won't knock you the F out. I said I feel like punching your F'Ing face. I have been saying the F word to him more in the last 2 weeks then I ever have in 14 yrs! I told him I hope that kiss was worth it and that she's worth it because he just lost a friend and my trust. I don't trust anyone...and he was the one exception. Now of course I'm back to being bitter. I'm so so sad...I don't know how I am going to be able to put on this 'happy' face at work. I just want to go far far away.

Flustered

You find out your husband is seeing another woman...a million things run through your head...you're
hurt-angry-worried and confused. You want to lash out and punch him and the woman he's talking to. A man that you have been with for 14 years...you don't want him anymore but you don't want him with someone else...especially going out on fun dates and doing things y'all never did. You become a spy...better then any FBI agent out there. Why do you care? With everything you hear and read...you feel your body tightening. So much that it shakes and your heart is racing. At this point you hate him...like really hate him. Who is this man on this page? Dancing-drinking wine and talking all big about trying new places? Ohhh the man I knew didn't dance in public...never bought a bottle of wine in fourteen damn years...until last week. You sit and watch him...wine in hand...phone on his body. The phone is up his ass...and now on silent...he must think you're dumb...but women are observant and they notice when their spouse is doing something out of the norm. Why do we need to feel jealous when we don't want them? Good riddance! I think it's a possession thing...a why didn't they do that for me type of thing. You wanted out and you kept staying for fear of hurting him. But here he is...on dating sites and saying and doing things that you never would have dreamt. All those nights you sat in the church parking lot...praying...all those nights you lied in bed crying...stood in the shower crying...and whining to your friends...well here is your damn sign...take it... A wise friend said sometimes you gotta hurt to heal...and I say this phrase daily now.