Broken

My heart is absolutely broken tonight. I come from the doctor to find out that my X is on match and has been...when last night he said he wasn't. I'm so sick of his lies. Then next part: he's meeting a girl-that has a half Asian kid (14months) at our place. My fav restaurant. A place I've had many birthdays at-a place we take our daughter to dance-a place we celebrated our anniversary at- a place we meet me best friend at. Now I will never be able to go there again-which really upsets me esp now that we have little girl and they have the perfect set up for her to dance. I love listening to our music people sing and all that is lost cuz he is taking this new chick there. She's already talking about him playing with her little boy. I'm absolutely sick that of all places he is taking her there. 

Here we go again

So it's been awhile since I have written. Today I chose to write because I'm down and sad. The X is talking to a girl-he's meeting her tonight. He drove 45 min to meet her. I have a hard time getting him to drive 10 minutes to try a new place. Where they are eating: a place we meet my family at pretty regularly and he always says he hates it. I'm gonna have a  hard time going back and I won't be able to tell my family why. I hate that our money is paying for him to take another girl out and I hate that our money is used to put gas in our truck so he can go see another girl. I need to move out ASAP. I'm hating him so much and getting so bitter towards him. I hate that it bothers me...I hate that he told her she was beautiful. He never says that to me unless I bring it up. I know he's just trying to get some tang but damn its like a knife in my heart. Plus this girl is Hispanic and has a couple of kids and dif baby daddies! What the hell?! Someday when he's serious with a girl I am going to have a REALLY hard time letting her around J. Which I shouldn't be. I'm a bitch. I've lost myself in this marriage I've been unhappy for 9-10 years and I just settled to be together. The whole time suffering and never feeling that 'click' like I'm where I belong. Now I have a baby and she's my world and I hate that I'm bringing her up in a divided house. This is not how I wanted my life to be. I'm so unhappy. I feel like so ugly and I feel like I'll never be happy. I don't trust men and I feel like no one will love me and be attracted to me. I wanted to do something to keep my mind busy but friends-Well they ignored their texts or they were busy. I hate that I don't have true close friends that I can tell everything to. I do have one god friend I can tel most to. She works with me and I love her! I live this whole life and I've done all these crazy things that I probably honestly wouldn't tell anyone but it would be nice to be able to tell some. She said she wouldn't be able to stay long so who knows when he will get home. It's an hour drive. I hope she doesn't like him but hell she's single and has two kids and hasn't been on a date in a year. He has a job and money and she needs a baby daddy so who knows. 

To be thin...or thinner

The words dying to be thin come to mind. I saw my reflection this weekend when I went to my dads house. They recently got new wood floors so they took off the mirror closet doors and placed them in the bathroom. I went to use the bathroom and right in front of the toilet sat the mirrors so you have to look at yourself. Lovely I thought. I sat and stared awhile and zoned out for a few thinking how ugly and fat I looked. I thought about the lawyer again. I was with him the day before and now I see myself like this and I'm disgusted. I stand up and I see these huge thighs. Omg I can't believe I let myself get like this. I used to have nice toned legs. Now they are big white and ugly. I can't tan...I'm doing laser hair removal-another struggle I'm facing. I've got to lose weight I think. I can't stop looking and tears form in my eyes...I'm sup to be doing a quick pee and leaving to head to my g pa's! I can't walk out of here with tears in my eyes. My eyes are stuck on the legs-then the Belly and now I'm up dressed and washing my hands. I lean in to the mirror and look at my face. Ugh the scars and discoloration. I've got to do the laser to get the scars taken care of. Once my hair removal is done (which I only have till Aug-however I don't see a difference and that's going to break my heart and esteem even more if it doesn't work). I can't do scar and hair removal at the same time...I think...I'll double check! I found some of my old diet pills last night...I started them this morning. I hope they work and I can make myself workout and lose! I'm still upset about the lawyer...I want to text him today but I'm making myself not. I've got to get my robe back so I will text him Thurs asking him to mail it if I don't hear from him. I'm pissed I left it at his house. I want it back so I hope he does mail it or better yet gives it to me in person and shows me that I'm over analyzing. Whatever...I don't need a man now anyways because summer is here and I don't want to show skin. I hope I can lose and find happiness soon. I don't know why this is so hard for me. 

Crazy

Tonight...well today has been a pretty crappy day. I woke up to to deaths of two people I know. One I went to school with and one I worked with. One died of cancer and one died by his own hand. He had 4 kids and a wife and I feel so bad for them. I do think suicide is selfish. I know it's hard but you know everything passes and when you have family and children you need to think of them. I got into a stupid fight with my friend over this.  She doesn't understand any of my thoughts and views lately. It's like I can't say anything right around her and it upsets me. For someone who is so liberal she's very black or white and I'm 

Very gray.  I'm also upset at myself...for a lot of reasons...I feel like I'm a loser and so inadequate. I looked at myself this morning in the car at a light on the way to work. This face...I thought...the scars and just ugly double chin. Yuck...that lawyer has pretty much been consuming most of my daily thoughts. Today we didn't talk much...which really pisses me off and upsets me. I'm so stupid to think that he would like me and want to continue to see me. He said he does but his actions are not saying that. We went from texting all day to just under 6 probably today. :( I hate that I hung with him Fri and I hate that I let him get to me and woo me. I wish I could take it back. Tomorrow I don't plan to text him at all...which is going to be soooo hard...I hope he texts me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday ill send him a text asking him to mail my robe back. I left it at his place and its my fav so I want it back. I hope I get it and I hope I get to see him. He's to good for me...he could do better and get better. He's beautiful and a lawyer and makes really good money. He has a great future and I want all that. I'll never have that probably. I wish I could date him and see where it went but we're in two dif places and I'm ugly and fat and he can do so much better. I'm so stupid thinking he just might actually like me and think I'm pretty. I hate that. Just another thing for me to hate about me and my life. 

Frustration

I am so frustrated. So many things going on and so much stress. A lot on my mind and it's really wearing me thin. I went to two family reunions Sat. I just feel so dumb and ugly and inadequate at those. I'm the big girl. When I'm standing by someone...I feel like I'm so much bigger and I just focus and think about my flaws my scars on my face..my body everything. I met a guy...he's a lawyer and I've gone out with him a few times now. I went to his place and we watched a movie and stuff...I like him...he's really good looking. I'm sure it will fizzle now that I've open myself up to date. I hate men now. They just want to use you to get a piece. I wanted to look good...I went and got eyelash extensions. I told them to just do a few to see if I was allergic to the extra sensitive glue...turns out I am...my eyes itch and swelled up. I've been taking Benadryl and putting itching cream on it. No one notices but me. I hope the swelling goes down. I also sadly hope that I get another date with the lawyer but you know how you have that gut feeling??? I have it...our date went good...we moved fast. I don't know I'm so stupid. I don't know why it's so hard to just be happy. I mean I want the simple life...a man I'm crazy about and one who's crazy about me and J...makes good money and makes me happy and gets along with my family. I'm sure I'll be updating this week about how we didn't work out. :( I should just give up and face the fact that I'm never gonna be happy and my life is always going to be a struggle. I have another huge huge huge worry that I'm losing sleep over and tomorrow is the result day kind of...I mean I get half tomorrow but then the next process starts and I still have to wait. This is it for me...I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I'm so low and close to losing what little I do have. And friends and family...I have no one I can fully talk to or trust. I try to tell my family about my stress and they don't listen or they act like its not a big deal or make it about them. I had a best friend a few of them for years like close to 20 and where are they? I went back home this weekend for the reunions and she couldn't e en come see me. Said I should come see here hen she knew I had one day-two reunions and still a almost two he drive home. She grew upcoming to both of these a d tried to use the excuse she didn't feel right. What the F ever I guess I'll just be done. I'm tired of always being the one to contact everyone. :( I'm falling apart and I really need a change and something good to happen. 

Tough thoughts

Today is Friday. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up the baby from daycare and I saw a man and his wife pushing a stroller and walking on the street. I thought to myself how sweet…as he positioned himself on the outside and put her on the curb side so that if a car hit them it would hit him first. He probably didn’t think about it and he for sure didn’t think that I would notice that and even think about it. I also saw an elderly man and woman in my office that have been married for 72 years. How crazy is that? These things have made me sad…here I am ending a 14 year marriage…my sister is newly engaged, 2 of my cousins just got married last month and I have another who is getting married in August. They are all starting their new life and I’m ending mine. I may never meet anyone and I’ll be single forever. I really don’t want to be with anyone and I hate to say it but when people tell me they are getting married I am like good luck with that and I feel sorry for you! I know what lies down the road. (I hate that I think like that now) I have a couple of friends who are pregnant and I’m thinking…wow they have no clue what they are in for…how much their marriage is about to be tested and how stressed they are about to be. Yes babies are fun but omg they can tear apart a marriage and break you down. Many men cheat while their wife is pregnant or after the child because their wife isn’t giving them the attention that they need. The wife is exhausted and they fight because they are tired of doing everything and then they become momma bears…they don’t want anyone hurting their little baby. There is a fine line in having a happy marriage and a baby. I had a date the other night…I felt extremely guilty about even going…to the point I was trying to talk myself out of it. My belly hurt and I just didn’t want to do it but at the same time I need to get back out there I guess. I’m not getting any younger and I’m graying so fast and I’m so ugly that I need to take what I can get. I kept thinking…he didn’t care about me when he went on his dates and when he texted non stop to his last few girls…why should I care? I asked him if he cared and his pride was getting in the way. I said are you sure you want to do this (for like the 10^th time) and he said yes I’ll just be your friend. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to put on a fake smile-worry about what to wear and worry if he will think I’m pretty enough to actually get to know me. Plus the weight and ugly face…will he really like me? I mean at night I take off my makeup and I stare in the mirror and I tear up. Sometimes I’ll walk by the mirror in my room and I’ll step back and stand there and just look at myself and tell myself what the heck? Who the heck will want to be with this? I digress…the date…so I was stressing and we have been talking and texting a few weeks…so the big day comes…I go home from work and I shower and wash my hair and put on all my good smelling lotion and hair products. I do my makeup and my eyes looked so good and my hair was nice….then I get a text…saying I can’t do this sorry for the short notice…but I don’t think we should go any further with you still living with your ex. GURR…I knew this was going to happen…I was relieved but at the same time upset. I just wasted my time getting ready and wasted my makeup and time. I told him ok I understood and he pleaded and said he really liked me and to please call him once we are living apart. I thought he would be ok with it since he told me he lived with his ex a few months after they separated. That’s ok I get it. However the last 2 days have been odd not hearing from him. I’ll probably not even mess with the whole dating thing until the fall. Summer is not good for me because then I have to show more skin and sweat and it’s just not cool. Hopefully sometime in between now and October or so I can lose weight and get some stuff figured out.

Random

So tonight the little one had dance. We then went to Chick Fil A...she likes the playground better then the food I think but whatever...it beats McDonald's! She sang and danced and had the whole restaurants attention! It was pretty impressive. She was telling stories and singing songs about God. Then she talked about how she loves the Mav's-Rangers and Bombers! She even did the cheers! People were eating it up. She's a natural in public and people flock to her. She's got a bright future and it involves her public speaking! I believe that God put her with us to help get her to that point. My sweet strong-willed stubborn girl. So I have realized that the ex is officially over me...really I think his pride is getting in the way of crawling back...so I have to just let go as hard as this is...A guy asked me out. Wow I've never really been on a date. I'm nervous. I hope we mesh well. I just feel so fat and ugly and not mentally where I would like to be. Maybe this getting out and getting attention will help bring me out of the slump. I feel guilty...but he didn't when he left me and made out with the girl ..and he didn't when they texted 24-7....so I need to just get over it...we have our good days and bad. I don't want to lose him and I want us to be those people where others say...I don't know how they do it but they are good friends and Baby can grow up with us close and civil...Now I have had a few thoughts where I have thought maybe I should just beg and plead and make it work...but that wouldn't be fair...neither of us are happy. Plus I asked him to work on it and do counseling. He said no...but I swear...every time I think to myself, I should try...maybe it's me...I'm just a crappy person incapable of love and being happy..bam like a sign from God...like lightening...the mood will change and he'll get all pissy with the baby and it snaps me back. I struggle because I know divorce is wrong and dating is wrong now...I've never felt 'comfortable and content'. I truly would like to still believe that God will answer my prayers and help me find peace and contentment. I prayed so so hard...I still pray for that...I am holding on to the faith that he will allow me to be where I feel like I belong.