Worried

It has been awhile since I have written. So much has happened. We now have filed for divorce and he's dating and I'm seeing a guy. A guy that I'm falling for too fast probably. He's beautiful and so I keep having worries about why he's with me. He tells me sweet stuff all the time and he's affectionate and I love that. I have this fear he's going to leave me or hurt me and I shouldn't let my guard down. I've been with him at the hospital a lot because he got hurt really bad. He's home now and I've been trying to be there for him. I think this is making our relationship stronger-him knowing I've been there. I just found out something the other day that has me really worried. I find out Tuesday the answer and I'm so worried about what the answer will be. I put myself in this crazy position-my life that I'm in now. I guess I will figure it out and it'll be ok-hard but ok. I probably won't get any sleep Monday and much tonight. But then again...sleep and I haven't been the best of friends for quite some time. 

Is that a Ray?

So lots has been going on. I don't even know where to start in this jumble. So...Friday my cousin got married. It was the most beautiful wedding. The reception was beautiful and they were beautiful and everyone in his party was so nice and Christian. My sister of course looked beautiful and we would hug our family and on at least 2 occasions they were like go you look beautiful as always. Then my turn...I got the hug and hi. I felt so ugly around them all. I saw myself in photos-1 in particular...and I was like wow...diet stat! I thought about my sister because she will be marrying soon. I listened to the vows and the sweet stuff and I thought about how happy they are. What a great godly couple. I sat out there in that audience beside my sister and her fiancé next to my dad and step mom (who are also taking divorce) and I thought no one knows that I am divorcing and struggling. My divorce is already pending...just waiting to get the papers back to file with judge. I sit next to my x...as I listen to how wonderful marriage is and I was sad. I was bitter and I was angry. I fought back tears. I remember sitting at the reception looking around at a room full of wealthy people and I looked at that photo (the one I look disgusting in) on my phone...I almost deleted it but I thought I'll use it for motivation...maybe. Before long in front of me sat 4 beers and I don't even drink beer and 2 cups of wine-that I don't even like. I started to drift off to that sad place but I can't here. You know my family soon will get the news...oh we are divorced it was final months ago! (By then) and btw I live in a tiny apt and wonder how I'm going to make it and pay my bills every day! What a great life I'm about to have! My sister begs me to get on the dance floor with her-I feel stupid and I can't let myself go and be goofy. There is a person inside of me that wants to get out and live and dance and cut up but I'm so self conscious and worried about looking dumb...I hold myself back. I look like a dud instead of the fun girl my family thinks I am. So the x is talking to a fugly girl which frankly I don't get. I really think it's just the attention he is getting because surely he doesn't think she's cute. She's big and has a big long nose. Plus she doesn't smile in photos and show her teeth. She's probably hiding some ugly teeth. I'm mean but I feel like she's using him. She has 2 kids and no baby daddies really...lives at home with her parents and she only 27. She's looking for a man to take her out and help her. I'm on to her. But whatever...I'm going to have a hard time letting anyone near my baby girl. I don't know if I can handle her having a step mom. I know this is a battle I will struggle with. I know it's early but my biggest fear is that my little girl will leave me and go live with her daddy and his new wife and she'll get all those bonding moments with my baby and the talks and bonding. That will absolutely kill me. It brings tears to my eyes even writing this. So on another note I finally decided to put myself out there. I have a few guys I'm talking to. One I'm am pretty head over heels for although I'm playing it cool and trying to not get my hopes up. I keep having thoughts run through my head...I just can't believe he likes me...I have another who is really sweet but I just don't feel the same 'click' as I do with the 1st one. Super sweet tho! Then...I have drama man! Everyone needs one right? This guy is a big sports writer for the paper and gets to meet all the famous people and attend all the cool parties and he wants to fly me here and there and buy me coach this and Michael kors that! Which I would love!! But I'm not attracted to him physically and his personality kills me! He's so cocky and we fight more then we talk and I'm just not feeling it. I thought I should just go to these cool events and let him spoil me. He wants to do things for me and to me that are really nice! But I'm not built like that. I kind of wish I was as wrong as that is. I can't bena trophy girl if I'm not feeling him. I told him to calm down and quit being so up front and in my face! I told him about going out with that other guy and he still chases me. I was hoping he would stop. I'll probably keep him in the wings in case I need him! 

Complex

It's 3am I should be sleeping but sadly like every night I am up with a million thoughts. I never sleep...I'm exhausted all the time. I'm stressed and worn out physically and mentally. Recently I have gone to 3 doctors for pain in my body and jaw. All 3 told me it was stress. They all asked me if I was stressed and of course I shrugged it off and said yeah a little. (If only I could shout out all my problems and just make them go away!) So I went to the chiropractor and she has this machine that is really awesome. Basically in the photo your back is supposed to have short green lines to show a healthy back and little stress. Mine pops up...long red lines 500% over the limit and 298% over. Her face was (actually kind of funny). I said what's wrong? She said are you stressed? I played it off like I do...yeah a little I think I handle it well. Then she proceeds to show me and explain. She says this is one of the worst ones she has seen! It was pretty impressive with all the red!

I'm worried about my future and now with my dad getting a divorce and my finances and how this is going to flip mine and babies life. The X and I hardly even talk. He's too busy texting and emailing all these random woman. Like a crazy amount like close to 100 and while most aren't responding its still hard to see him and read it. I see him texting woman till all hours of the night and while I shouldn't care...I'm nosy. Everyone keeps saying I'm stupid and why do I care when I don't want him. Which I see is a valid but the thing is I'm jealous and nosy. I don't want him...I know that for a fact esp now that he's been out kissing and telling random girls things. It's the things he tells them and the effort he puts into them that bothers me. 14years and I can count on one hand the times he's complimented me. He tells them things like you're pretty, beautiful, sexy etc. I have asked him for 14 years for a vacation-even something small-no he doesn't like to travel. Then the other day he tells this new girl he lovesto travel and a lists a few places he wants to go. Really? He told one girl he tries to see the baby every day and put her to bed when he can. I was like WTF you live with her and sleep in the same bed! What's this try? Of course they think he lives alone. I get that he's trying to run game and stuff but it still bothers me. Tonight my nail lady and friend (she's been doing my nails for 3yrs) said something that made me think a little. She's Vietnamese so she thinks a little different and their culture is a lot different.  She says tho...and she she doesn't know about my situation but she knows the Asian culture isn't loving an affectionate...she says you know just because they don't say it doesn't mean they don't love u they show it with other actions. Which is soooo true in my case. She says and sometimes that's ok and that's enough...I thought about it and I get it but sadly it's not enough for me. I want more. I've fallen out of love. I hate that and I hate myself. He's a good guy but I want/need more. We literally go out to eat and we don't talk-we drive out of town and we hardly speak...I need that interaction. I need to be made to feel like I'm there. I ask him questions-he ignores me or doesn't answer and I am so sick-beyond sick of looking at his profile and standing there waiting for an answer to get nothing. I have been a bitch lately and I'm like hello when I ask a question that means you respond. Or...I start talking to myself. I say how was your day? He doesn't answer so I say things like well it was good etc. I hate that! I have gone over my check and what my rent can be...omg I'm not sure I can make it. I'm seriously going to be poor-like dirt poor and struggling. I keep driving by where I would be ok and feel safe living but then I tear up because I can't afford it. Then I drive by some shady trashier places and I know that's where I'll be in a few months. I'm moving down and this is hard for me. I'm scared...ESP being alone at night with a baby in a place I don't feel safe. I pray to God...I feel like I am doing the right thing by leaving him...when I think about just dealing God gives me a sign as the x is extra mean-like the push to keep moving. I'm so upset with my life and I get upset with God for putting me here. But I pray constantly. You know God takes care of me...he amazes me because he always pulls me through. The other night I was in a bad place...I was having a breakdown and like that...God was there...I felt it And I calmed and I stood still and I got the answer I needed. I smiled and I laughed a little. I'm ok...I'm alive...I do stupid things and I try to do things to occupy my mind and make me feel better. I had a convo with him...I wish sometimes that I could just talk to him and have him just point blank tell me I'm going to be ok and to do such and such. But then I stop and I realize that he does and I have to listen to my heart-to him. I am not in love with the x but I'll always love him and I'm trying to stay friends with him but its so hard. I told him...if he would have said and done things for me that he doing for these random hoes then we wouldn't be In this place. He knows what I need and it's very simple. I just want to hear I love you and a compliment and be spoken to -

simple things. Now it can't be fixed because I have fallen out of love. I'm like a radio...once I have been turned off I can not be turned back on. I tried to make us work. I suggested counseling-I prayed and I told him 500million times what I need. He just can't say I love you and he can't show me affection so his pride is causing our marriage to end. That's fine...god is hopefully leading me to a man that is a better fit. However the issue I have now...I don't trust men. I don't trust many people. I will most likely never give all of myself to a man or person again. 

Awake

As usual I am awake in the middle of the night! I've been up since 1 and it is 5:05 and I have to get up at 6 so...going to be a long day! So naturally I am thinking...our electricity is out and has been since. 3:30. :( You know this weekend was a busy one. I got a taste of what I will be looking at soon as a single parent. I had J by myself the majority I the time. I took her to the movies...just her and I...that might not seem like a big deal to some but to me it really bothered me that it was her first time at the movies and he didn't want to go. I mean I try to never miss any of her 1st's and big moments. She had a blast and it was so cute watching her face and hearing her talk about it...but she also said I wish daddy could have came. So that was sad...she's growing up so fast and she's so sassy and she gives me a lot of frustration at times but then she smiles and she's so polite and loving it melts my heart. I can't believe I'm about to change her life and possibly future and outlook. I hope I don't destroy her and I pray and worry so much that someday she'll leave me to go live with her daddy and new wife. I think about way too much. It would kill me...especially since that's the age we could bond and talk about more grown up topics. I hope I don't fail her. I feel like I mess up everything I touch. I still don't understand why God would give me such a beautiful little girl when I'm so prone to failure and I don't want to be a bad mom and I don't want to lose her when she's 12 to another woman. I'm losing my house-my life-my husband and money. I feel like I'm losing everything. On top of that I have to move in two months and I don't know where I am going to go. This is going to sneak up on me fast since I only have weekends to pack and find a place and sell my house hopefully soon! I dread the moving, packing and stress. I wish my life was different (better). I am thankful God provides and I keep praying that I'll end up in a good place in time. I'm so sad about the apartments that it is looking like I might have to live in. Financially I can't afford the better ones as my credit sucks so who knows! I see myself falling into the downward spiral. I'm seeing myself-food stamps-assistance-struggling and being depressed. I really hope I don't get to that point. I just don't know how I can do this...

More bad news

So my body is taking a toll. I've hardly been eating but I'm gaining weight-probably the stress and thyroid. I haven't slept much and I've been sick and my body is so sore. I've upped my water and I've been working out. I went to the chiropractor today. They did a stress test in the spine and back. It is sup to be all green and the lines are sup to be even but her i go thinking I'm a bad A and I can handle stress blah blah and then the results come...her face was like OMG! She said wow that's a lot of red...more then I figured you would have. I said why and she said because your so up beat...little did she know I sat in her parking lot and cried for 10 minutes and refreshed my makeup so I would look decent. I cried all the way there from work. Seems to be a daily thing for me...this crying. Today tho was for another reason. My dad called me crying. He told me my step mom told him she wanted a divorce and my dad was crazy upset even tho tho has been coming go awhile....the shock of it all gets to a person. You know you have to go through the stages of emotions. He told me he wants to kill himself. He doesn't know about my struggles and that we are separated and about to be in different houses and I sure can't tell him now. At this point I'll be in my new place months before he knows. My dad tho... I feel so bad. I know how she feels and I totally understand both their views. He tells me I can't talk to her. She's raised me since I was 13mths. He says she's just a step and that's just not how I feel. I'm stuck in the middle. I spoke to my uncle about it. We have a strange relationship but I like it. We go awhile without talking but he's a good guy, a great Christian and he and I Vent and he's very special to me. I should see him more and talk to him more. So the stress test...probably not the best day to do that. She's worried and said it could cause digestive issues-weight and other problems-hummm I said do you see me? I have all of those! So then I come home crying again and I sit in the garage for about 15 minutes talking to God and myself. I go in and get another bomb dropped on me. The X web on a day so this girl is clingy to him because she has a 14 nth old baby as she wants a daddy for him and now he's talking to another girl. I get to watch him all night checking his phone and texting. Yea...it's all just killing me now. The stress of it all z I'm worried about my dad , my baby, our future and finances and selling this house and where will we go? I don't want to move out of town because I don't want to take her from her daddy. Then my job....I can retire in 9 yrs but I won't because I'll have a 13 yr old but I'll have that option. I just don't know anymore but I know I can't afford anything nice and I'll be living in some crappy apartment struggling week to week. That's just what I prayed and wasted all my time praying for all these yrs! Since I was young I prayed for a great Christian man and good life and here I am at 33 starting over, living poor and raising my child as a statistic. I hope I don't fail her. I feel like a horrible mother. I hope one day she doesn't leave me to move with her daddy. That will kill me. 

Broken

My heart is absolutely broken tonight. I come from the doctor to find out that my X is on match and has been...when last night he said he wasn't. I'm so sick of his lies. Then next part: he's meeting a girl-that has a half Asian kid (14months) at our place. My fav restaurant. A place I've had many birthdays at-a place we take our daughter to dance-a place we celebrated our anniversary at- a place we meet me best friend at. Now I will never be able to go there again-which really upsets me esp now that we have little girl and they have the perfect set up for her to dance. I love listening to our music people sing and all that is lost cuz he is taking this new chick there. She's already talking about him playing with her little boy. I'm absolutely sick that of all places he is taking her there. 

Here we go again

So it's been awhile since I have written. Today I chose to write because I'm down and sad. The X is talking to a girl-he's meeting her tonight. He drove 45 min to meet her. I have a hard time getting him to drive 10 minutes to try a new place. Where they are eating: a place we meet my family at pretty regularly and he always says he hates it. I'm gonna have a  hard time going back and I won't be able to tell my family why. I hate that our money is paying for him to take another girl out and I hate that our money is used to put gas in our truck so he can go see another girl. I need to move out ASAP. I'm hating him so much and getting so bitter towards him. I hate that it bothers me...I hate that he told her she was beautiful. He never says that to me unless I bring it up. I know he's just trying to get some tang but damn its like a knife in my heart. Plus this girl is Hispanic and has a couple of kids and dif baby daddies! What the hell?! Someday when he's serious with a girl I am going to have a REALLY hard time letting her around J. Which I shouldn't be. I'm a bitch. I've lost myself in this marriage I've been unhappy for 9-10 years and I just settled to be together. The whole time suffering and never feeling that 'click' like I'm where I belong. Now I have a baby and she's my world and I hate that I'm bringing her up in a divided house. This is not how I wanted my life to be. I'm so unhappy. I feel like so ugly and I feel like I'll never be happy. I don't trust men and I feel like no one will love me and be attracted to me. I wanted to do something to keep my mind busy but friends-Well they ignored their texts or they were busy. I hate that I don't have true close friends that I can tell everything to. I do have one god friend I can tel most to. She works with me and I love her! I live this whole life and I've done all these crazy things that I probably honestly wouldn't tell anyone but it would be nice to be able to tell some. She said she wouldn't be able to stay long so who knows when he will get home. It's an hour drive. I hope she doesn't like him but hell she's single and has two kids and hasn't been on a date in a year. He has a job and money and she needs a baby daddy so who knows.